20 minutes of running
20 minutes of the stair machine
+ MASSIVE amount of strength, workin to get a booty (my bones are sticking into the chair by now) and stretch
= 20 minutes of cardio + stair training + strength + stretch
/Lillita Luv
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Todays workout
30 minutes of running
30 minutes of swinging
30 minutes of biking
+ strength & stretching
= 90 minutes of cardio + strength
/Lilita Luv
30 minutes of swinging
30 minutes of biking
+ strength & stretching
= 90 minutes of cardio + strength
/Lilita Luv
Monday, December 15, 2008
Todays workout
10 minutes of running
30 minutes of biking
40 minutes of swinging (okay, that sounded extremely weird, sorry about that
)
+ a LOT of strength, most "assets" ;)
= 80 minutes of cardio + a lot of strength
Great day!
/Lilita Luv
30 minutes of biking
40 minutes of swinging (okay, that sounded extremely weird, sorry about that
)+ a LOT of strength, most "assets"
;)= 80 minutes of cardio + a lot of strength
Great day!
/Lilita Luv
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Rollercoaster
Highs and lows.
I have been more up and down today than a pornstar on a penis.
/Lilita Luv
I have been more up and down today than a pornstar on a penis.
/Lilita Luv
Friday, December 12, 2008
Todays workout
Freaking great! I did:
50 minutes of swing
40 minutes of jogging/running
30 minutes of biking
+ situps, backlifts in machine, arms in machine and pushups
= 120 (2 whole darn hours!
) minutes of cardio + strenght and stretching!
/Lilita Luv
50 minutes of swing
40 minutes of jogging/running
30 minutes of biking
+ situps, backlifts in machine, arms in machine and pushups
= 120 (2 whole darn hours!
) minutes of cardio + strenght and stretching!/Lilita Luv
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Blacked out today
So I was only able to do 20 minutes of biking and 3 minutes in the swing thing
/Lilita Luv
/Lilita Luv
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Todays workout
50 minutes of "swing thing"
20 minutes of running/jogging
10 minutes of stair climb machine
30 minutes of biking
+ abs, back and arms and stretching
= 110 minutes of cardio + strength
/Lilita Luv
20 minutes of running/jogging
10 minutes of stair climb machine
30 minutes of biking
+ abs, back and arms and stretching
= 110 minutes of cardio + strength
/Lilita Luv
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Todays workout
30 minutes of biking
30 minutes of swing thing (dunno what it's called
)
10 minutes of jogging/running
=70 minutes of cardio
/Lilita Luv
30 minutes of swing thing (dunno what it's called
)10 minutes of jogging/running
=70 minutes of cardio
/Lilita Luv
I finally talked to him about it...
... and we solved it. A huge rock have been cut out of my stomach. Finally. Brightness.
/Lilita Luv
/Lilita Luv
Saturday, November 29, 2008
You can be such an ASSHOLE!
You choose to comment random girls, while I send you 100+ pictures and all you say is "thanks", STOP AND THINK FOR A FUCKING MOMENT! Doesn't it seem kinda wrong to you? If it doesn't, then I totally misjudged you. And so did my entire family. I hope this behaviour will change because I can't live with someone like that and if I can't live with you I'll be a priviledged dead.
/Lilita Luv
/Lilita Luv
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My height is killing me
For fuck sake, I can't stand my fucking height anymore. Just because I'm not perfect I'm being told that I'm "bitter". You cunt, you're supposed to be by my side! He, my own he would never admitt that he wants me to be so much shorter, I know he does, it's way cuter to be short, he wants his girls to be tiny, he just don't want to make me sad but I see right through him, I know what he wants and I don't cut it, my outside isn't ok for him.
It's not fair, why do I have to live through this shit without even looking good, they say that beauty doesn't solve problems, well, neither do being ugly.
/Lilita Luv
It's not fair, why do I have to live through this shit without even looking good, they say that beauty doesn't solve problems, well, neither do being ugly.
This isn't something I want. It's something I need.
/Lilita Luv
Being the last resort for your friends
You ever known what it's like? People don't like you because you refuse to point and laugh at people and say shit that ain't true about the weaker people. Just because I'm a more worthy human being than them, they don't like you. Even with your friends, you're the "last resort" because there are more fun people to be with. Nobody ever calls nor contact you, the phone is quiet and the inbox is empty, is this what it's like growing up? I've been an adult all my life, then.
Truth in the matter of fact is I've been a bad person today, I felt like shit all day because I can't be like her. Truth hurts, doesn't it? It's things that can not be changed, like I could ever be as tiny. That's what matters to me, does it look like I give a fuck about anything else? I not only want but need to be that small for my baby or I'm a mean person. I'm already too old, like that little remark about how "hot it'd be if you were seventeen" is like another razor. I want my razor. But I see him hurt if I get hurt, if I'm dead, I won't see him in pain. It's building up towards it because I can't get any peace, the worms are talking to me and they are being crude, worse than they've ever been. It was hope, now it's dead like the skin that crusts up when I love crosses.
I love my cross, I love it. It's nice and sharp and it leaves a soaring sensation when it's crusted up my skin, the lower arms are covered in little pieces of dead skin and red lines and it doesn't even bleed, it's like I don't have any blood, it's just skin and somebody painted veins on it. And now they paint more and more veins on me, all over me, even in my face. Like see-through. I'm turning invisible, my skin is the first to be see through, maybe one day I will walk around and everybody only see my skeleton, ugh, I don't want that. Gross.
I exercised today, it was 50 minutes of running, biking and that swing thing and lots of strength, my arms will be a lot stronger now, so will my back. It was nice, very nice. But it won't make me any shorter or smaller. I want to be so light he can lift me up without any problem, I want to be so short that when I stand next to him I can't even reach up to him, I want to be so small I'm almost 1/4 of his size. But I can't. No surgery in the world can make me look smaller and cuter without looking like an alien with short legs.
Goodnight
/Lilita Luv
Truth in the matter of fact is I've been a bad person today, I felt like shit all day because I can't be like her. Truth hurts, doesn't it? It's things that can not be changed, like I could ever be as tiny. That's what matters to me, does it look like I give a fuck about anything else? I not only want but need to be that small for my baby or I'm a mean person. I'm already too old, like that little remark about how "hot it'd be if you were seventeen" is like another razor. I want my razor. But I see him hurt if I get hurt, if I'm dead, I won't see him in pain. It's building up towards it because I can't get any peace, the worms are talking to me and they are being crude, worse than they've ever been. It was hope, now it's dead like the skin that crusts up when I love crosses.
I love my cross, I love it. It's nice and sharp and it leaves a soaring sensation when it's crusted up my skin, the lower arms are covered in little pieces of dead skin and red lines and it doesn't even bleed, it's like I don't have any blood, it's just skin and somebody painted veins on it. And now they paint more and more veins on me, all over me, even in my face. Like see-through. I'm turning invisible, my skin is the first to be see through, maybe one day I will walk around and everybody only see my skeleton, ugh, I don't want that. Gross.
________________________________
I exercised today, it was 50 minutes of running, biking and that swing thing and lots of strength, my arms will be a lot stronger now, so will my back. It was nice, very nice. But it won't make me any shorter or smaller. I want to be so light he can lift me up without any problem, I want to be so short that when I stand next to him I can't even reach up to him, I want to be so small I'm almost 1/4 of his size. But I can't. No surgery in the world can make me look smaller and cuter without looking like an alien with short legs.
Could a body close the mind out
Stitch a seam across the eye
If you can be good, you’ll live forever
If you’re bad, you’ll die when you die
Hearing only one true note
On the one and only sound
Unzip my body
Take my heart out
Stitch a seam across the eye
If you can be good, you’ll live forever
If you’re bad, you’ll die when you die
Hearing only one true note
On the one and only sound
Unzip my body
Take my heart out
Goodnight
/Lilita Luv
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sick of being the outsider
Seriously, I'm always on the outside in the cold while all these people are inside having fun, it's all my childhood, please let me go back and be the little child I once was, I don't want to be here now. It's no hope for anything anymore, like walking in an endless tunnel, you vision the light to lead you out but it isn't there, like running on a treadmill. You get all worked up, but you ain't going nowhere.
Let me in for fuck sake!
/Lilita Luv
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Missed working out today
Had to finish an assignment =( =(
Sooo sad about that, but whatever... I'm gonna go to bed now in a minute, I just wanted to wright because I feel so bad and I need to vent it out now.
Sooo sad about that, but whatever... I'm gonna go to bed now in a minute, I just wanted to wright because I feel so bad and I need to vent it out now.
The issue at the moment:
I feel so fucking insecure, it's the fucking comparison thing again, how can I hold up against all these chicks, he can tell me the same thing over and over again but it doesn't sink in. I know why tho, the same thing lingers in my head, the same sentence. "Love isn't about personality. It's a mixture of looks and personality. I couldn't love someone that I didn't find attractive". Well, i'm not the hottest one around, there are girls around him, millions times hotter and I can't even take hearing him talk about another female. Of course he has a passed, I'm not mad at him for having that, i'm mad at him for keeping signs of it and for pretending like nothing just to keep in close touch with a specific person in question. I don't want to do that anymore. I wanna take off my uniform and leave this show I put on. And it brings so many questions, is he feeling something for that girl and if not, why keeping that thing? It wasn't like I was looking for anything, I put the virus search on and I downloaded an audio I wanted to listen to, but I saved it in the wrong folder, so I clicked open that folder to move it and the file name said it all, I didn't eat that day and when I did, I vomit. I couldn't stand to have anything in my stomach after knowing that, I know her, I like her, so does he... And all those times he talked about her, what the fuck was that? Close friends, yea, right.... How many of them did he do the same thing with? I look around and I'm scared, as soon as another female is there I'm positive he had something to do with her and it makes me sick over and over again. Maybe that's why I can't eat anymore.
Fucking damn hell ass.
Why can't I be you, homegurl?
These are the times I wish I actually did the drugs, I haven't felt like doing cocaine since last christmas, and to be honest it isn't his fault, it's mine, I shouldn't have touched the computer even though I was allowed to, I should have isolated myself because I know I can't handle anything with that. I have no problem with ex gfs, but I don't want to witness anything of what they used to do and she wasn't an ex or anything. Damn hell ass. My fault. It is. I spent last night crying myself to sleep, not only because of that, but I miss granny. It's fucking hard to imagine, she's not alive, her remains are in a cold grave deep in the ground. I'm never going to talk to her again, she isn't going to sit in the chair this year, being thankful for all the gifts saying "I'm so thankful for this year, I don't think I'll be here next year.". She's really gone forever and she isn't coming back, she was so small and fragile. I never want anybody else to die, I want to live forever with everybody in my life.
I'd love to look like you <3
Fucking damn hell ass.
Why can't I be you, homegurl? These are the times I wish I actually did the drugs, I haven't felt like doing cocaine since last christmas, and to be honest it isn't his fault, it's mine, I shouldn't have touched the computer even though I was allowed to, I should have isolated myself because I know I can't handle anything with that. I have no problem with ex gfs, but I don't want to witness anything of what they used to do and she wasn't an ex or anything. Damn hell ass. My fault. It is. I spent last night crying myself to sleep, not only because of that, but I miss granny. It's fucking hard to imagine, she's not alive, her remains are in a cold grave deep in the ground. I'm never going to talk to her again, she isn't going to sit in the chair this year, being thankful for all the gifts saying "I'm so thankful for this year, I don't think I'll be here next year.". She's really gone forever and she isn't coming back, she was so small and fragile. I never want anybody else to die, I want to live forever with everybody in my life.
I'd love to look like you <3I'm not welcome in dad's house anymore, apparently. I was supposed to hang out at his house a little while after but was told to "Clear out before his wife gets home". So, she doesn't like me? I got news for this bitch, I lived in that house a LOT longer than she did. Just because she's committed to him on a paper, that doesn't make her more important than me, I'm his daughter, I'm actually related to him. I can understand why he don't want me to be alone with her, he wants to be able to back up if she gets psycho. She needs to get help and realize I should be welcome there anytime. I take care of myself.
Lots of issues, peace out, my lovelies <3
/Lilita Luv
Lots of issues, peace out, my lovelies <3
/Lilita Luv
Sunday, November 23, 2008
What is it with men and tits?
It's like some kind of sickness, do they even realize they adore fat? That's disgusting! I'd rather have my boney figure than have fat like that, it makes me physically sick and I'm not going to work to have an ass, I'm not going to buy a pair of tits. It's adoring fat and it's gross. They think it's disgusting with fat people yet they adore fat themselves.
Come on, seriously, men. You want your girl to be skinny, then all of a sudden you want her to gain all this gross fat? Decide NOW. Either you want her skinny or you want her to have fatty parts like tits or ass. There's no in between. And I know what I want and it for sure isn't that.
So, you don't like to hear this? Just don't read it, then. I'm just telling the truth out of my point of view. I don't want to have sick fat, i'd rather be a skinny stick than a slimmed chick with fatty parts.
What kind of ideal is this? Come on! A regular girl doesn't look like that. Skinny people don't have big asses and they don't have big tits. Don't try to force people to look like this, there are people putting themselves through surgerys and working out just to look like that. You think I'm bad who prefers to not have that? Look at yourself. No regular girl looks like this before surgery. Let people be!
I had to fire the total opposite to make you people realize how sick this is. I don't mind people want to look like this, but don't threat and say you don't find skinny chicks as attractive. That'll cause pain only for you as I leave. Because I'm not going to take shit from someone who adores fat when I don't.
//Lillita Luv
Come on, seriously, men. You want your girl to be skinny, then all of a sudden you want her to gain all this gross fat? Decide NOW. Either you want her skinny or you want her to have fatty parts like tits or ass. There's no in between. And I know what I want and it for sure isn't that.
So, you don't like to hear this? Just don't read it, then. I'm just telling the truth out of my point of view. I don't want to have sick fat, i'd rather be a skinny stick than a slimmed chick with fatty parts.
What kind of ideal is this? Come on! A regular girl doesn't look like that. Skinny people don't have big asses and they don't have big tits. Don't try to force people to look like this, there are people putting themselves through surgerys and working out just to look like that. You think I'm bad who prefers to not have that? Look at yourself. No regular girl looks like this before surgery. Let people be!
I had to fire the total opposite to make you people realize how sick this is. I don't mind people want to look like this, but don't threat and say you don't find skinny chicks as attractive. That'll cause pain only for you as I leave. Because I'm not going to take shit from someone who adores fat when I don't.
//Lillita Luv
I work out again!
I start on 6 days a week, cardio ^^ It's going great and I ain't gonna stop!
I'll be skinnier
/Lillita Luv
The dark and quiet place
There is a place in some peoples minds, a dark and almost dead place it can feel like, when we live in that place we can't grow anything, everything we put in the ground dies. The point is that this place isn't dead, it's the light. It's gone. It needs to be regained. What happens when the sun comes back? We put a little flower in the ground and it gets water from the darkness and sun from the light. I talked to someone about this yesterday and I realized I'm still lost eventhough I believe I'm not.
But I can't stay lost, I need to be un-lost. I need to help myself.
But I can't stay lost, I need to be un-lost. I need to help myself.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I wish I could bring you better news...
But not, it's fuckery again. Just had a minor freakout that included panic anxiety and other delicious fuckery. I wonder how Dandyroo is holding up, I miss him. He's such an amazing person as a friend and I don't want him to hurt too. It's a constant itch in my skin right now, so i'm just going to post the fantastic video that makes me feel shittier.
New once!
/Lilita Luv
New once!
/Lilita Luv
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
My face is ruined
I can't do the "natural" thing because I look fucking disgusting in it. People are born with pretty faces sometimes, but I wasn't and it's not like could afford to change that. I wish I could just put on a mask so nobody could see me, ot always have a paperbag pulled over my head but one thing is certain and that is I don't want people to be able to look at me. I don't want anybody else to see me. Not even him, especially not him, not until some miracle cures my face it's just all wrong and it needs to be undone because I can't pretend to like myself forever. I tried the natural makeup and I looked like shit, it looked fucking awful. Disgusting.
Let me be her, please <3
I can't stand this shit anymore. I don't want to live in this shit for much longer because if I do, i'll disappear totally. Parts of me already fell out, I am going back to being constantly tired, I slept for 11 hours today which is a bad sign already. It's not 15 hours, but it's still bad. I used to sleep 15 hours, that was nice. And I didn't eat either. So my belly was always empty and I was always tired so I could sleep, to Christmas i'll be back there again unless a miracle comes along.
"And then along comes Mary...."
Just a thought... Well, since I can't be hot and being "cute" is fucking disgusting, this person X which I can call "Mary" comes along and takes my person away from me. This person X can be anyone, someone here, someone there, someone 300 miles away from here. Well, at least he'll be happy and that's what really matters, right?
Lix wants to be this <3
Let me be her, please <3I can't stand this shit anymore. I don't want to live in this shit for much longer because if I do, i'll disappear totally. Parts of me already fell out, I am going back to being constantly tired, I slept for 11 hours today which is a bad sign already. It's not 15 hours, but it's still bad. I used to sleep 15 hours, that was nice. And I didn't eat either. So my belly was always empty and I was always tired so I could sleep, to Christmas i'll be back there again unless a miracle comes along.
"And then along comes Mary...."
Just a thought... Well, since I can't be hot and being "cute" is fucking disgusting, this person X which I can call "Mary" comes along and takes my person away from me. This person X can be anyone, someone here, someone there, someone 300 miles away from here. Well, at least he'll be happy and that's what really matters, right?
Lix wants to be this <3/ Lilita Luv
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I ate normally today
I had;
1 banana
a glass of milk
a portion of sesam nuggets with creme frache and garlic
a glass of juice
so I did pretty good, I better go to the store and get more fruit, i'm going to work out today!! =)
And on the bad side, I checked up jobs online without any luck which means I have to go to places personally and ask which I hate, i'm just too shy to do that - not anti-social, I love being social to an extent and I could totally handle working with people, but i'm shy when it comes to ask people about things like this, it's embaressing. All jobs online are searching for already experienced people, so I looked up courses on Uni, but I can't do any thanks to my stupid fail in the B course math, FUCK! I actually asked if I could do it in the fall (now) and the teacher said "yes" and so I expected I could, then in the end of the semester she tells me she can't! Fucking world. So I can't study anything I want to either.
/ Lilita Luv
1 banana
a glass of milk
a portion of sesam nuggets with creme frache and garlic
a glass of juice
so I did pretty good, I better go to the store and get more fruit, i'm going to work out today!! =)
And on the bad side, I checked up jobs online without any luck which means I have to go to places personally and ask which I hate, i'm just too shy to do that - not anti-social, I love being social to an extent and I could totally handle working with people, but i'm shy when it comes to ask people about things like this, it's embaressing. All jobs online are searching for already experienced people, so I looked up courses on Uni, but I can't do any thanks to my stupid fail in the B course math, FUCK! I actually asked if I could do it in the fall (now) and the teacher said "yes" and so I expected I could, then in the end of the semester she tells me she can't! Fucking world. So I can't study anything I want to either.
/ Lilita Luv
Friday, October 3, 2008
So disgusted
I managed to eat a little today tho, next banana will be my third, I just can't let it go. What does it say about me when a video of a chick dancing is more pleasurable than I am in living flesh? So I watch the video again, I'm glad I haven't vomit in weeks, I don't want to either, your skin gets dry and discolored, you smell of vomit and it does not bring anything good with it. I was up last night without being able to sleep, so I watched Stripped: Live in the UK for the first time in more than a year and I finally remember why, simply because I'm nothing. My "favourite" performances are following;
Dirrty
Get Mine, Get Yours
And why? Because they are the once I can absorb the most out of and therefor not feel guilty cutting to.
I still love this video, I don't even understand how I can love something that fucks me up.
And the other question will be, how can this one person on a video fuck me up? I never met her or spoke to her, well, I guess it's the same thing like how can a guy jizz all over his computer screen when this video shows up.
Anyways, what's going to be done today? Not much I assume, I don't think i'll eat any what mum would call "real food" today, I need to lose weight anyway. I can't be tiny and have what others do have, so i'd rather be a walking skeleton.
btw, hate of the day; meat. In both ways. Guys talk about liking their girls to have some "meat", for fuck sake, we're not cows, don't talk to us like we're on the way to the slaughterhouse. "Meat". Jeez, get a grip. And not all chicks look good with any fat weight, it's all bone structure, mine tell me I need to lose it because it's all in the wrong places, your lower abdomen shouldn't be fat. And it's fucking sick, I don't know why I didn't just kill myself when I had the opportunity, I'd have been much better off. And meat in the regular way, ugh. Vegitarians rule! I love my veggie food and I can't even think about meat without feeling like vometing.
Jessica Simpson wore a tee that said "Real Girls Eat Meat", shut up, fat bitch, you know how unhealthy it is for you? You're not even skinny, so let's not go there.
My old me is DEAD, gone. Lix is returning sometimes, but most is gone. Now i'm more like... Gabby, the bitch. She doesn't like anything. Exept the Mr. Lix loves the Mr. only too, but she's nice. Gabby is mean. I don't like Gabby. She needs to be killed and the old me return. I love Lix tho, she can still be with me, she's nice. She's loving. She puts everybody else in front of her. That's Lix. I love her. More than me.
/Lilita Luv
Dirrty
Get Mine, Get Yours
And why? Because they are the once I can absorb the most out of and therefor not feel guilty cutting to.
I still love this video, I don't even understand how I can love something that fucks me up.
And the other question will be, how can this one person on a video fuck me up? I never met her or spoke to her, well, I guess it's the same thing like how can a guy jizz all over his computer screen when this video shows up.
Anyways, what's going to be done today? Not much I assume, I don't think i'll eat any what mum would call "real food" today, I need to lose weight anyway. I can't be tiny and have what others do have, so i'd rather be a walking skeleton.
btw, hate of the day; meat. In both ways. Guys talk about liking their girls to have some "meat", for fuck sake, we're not cows, don't talk to us like we're on the way to the slaughterhouse. "Meat". Jeez, get a grip. And not all chicks look good with any fat weight, it's all bone structure, mine tell me I need to lose it because it's all in the wrong places, your lower abdomen shouldn't be fat. And it's fucking sick, I don't know why I didn't just kill myself when I had the opportunity, I'd have been much better off. And meat in the regular way, ugh. Vegitarians rule! I love my veggie food and I can't even think about meat without feeling like vometing.
Jessica Simpson wore a tee that said "Real Girls Eat Meat", shut up, fat bitch, you know how unhealthy it is for you? You're not even skinny, so let's not go there.
My old me is DEAD, gone. Lix is returning sometimes, but most is gone. Now i'm more like... Gabby, the bitch. She doesn't like anything. Exept the Mr. Lix loves the Mr. only too, but she's nice. Gabby is mean. I don't like Gabby. She needs to be killed and the old me return. I love Lix tho, she can still be with me, she's nice. She's loving. She puts everybody else in front of her. That's Lix. I love her. More than me.
/Lilita Luv
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Please let me know i'm not alone
I'm addicted to do this to myself, push these images into my head of the perfect girl
This is my poison right now. She's sexy, bold and in control of herself. I'm fat with a tiny ass with bones sticking out, no boobs, terrible nose and gross facial features, not to mention the disgusting double chin. I love the fake boobs, the skinny figure and the dirty style and I have non of it. I can't be like that, I want to so badly, but I can't. It's like a glass wall with a door that's locked between me and the beautiful people, I can only look but it's not tangible to me, I can't go through a process and end up being one of them. I can be me though, but since when was that enough?
/Lillita Luv
This is my poison right now. She's sexy, bold and in control of herself. I'm fat with a tiny ass with bones sticking out, no boobs, terrible nose and gross facial features, not to mention the disgusting double chin. I love the fake boobs, the skinny figure and the dirty style and I have non of it. I can't be like that, I want to so badly, but I can't. It's like a glass wall with a door that's locked between me and the beautiful people, I can only look but it's not tangible to me, I can't go through a process and end up being one of them. I can be me though, but since when was that enough?
/Lillita Luv
Self-hatred video
I made this a few days ago
I feel confused in a way, like it would be a good thing. I'm in some kind of state where I can't judge if it's bad or good, i'm quiet but not as lazy as I usually am. I did lots today, first I got new birthcontrol pills, they are pretty and blue. And the seven once without hormones are green. I'm gonna try them for a while and see if Nevoletta was the reason I had the extreme temp changes, then I bought more makeup and then I met up with my friend and I had a salad with shrimp, then we bought new pretty toothbrushes and then I had festis and a chocolate ball with her and then I went home again.
Today I ate;
A banana
A few ovenfried fries (homemade) with garlicdip
Green salad with shrimp, red onion, cucumber, garlicdressing and seafood cream
An orange juice with that
One 25 cl orange Festis and a chocolate ball (it was yummy, but my stomach hates when I eat sugar and fat, it really does, so my stomach hurts now)
A bun
This far, and it's 17:30, so it's only ½ hour till food-stop. It hasn't worked out for a few days, so I need to smack myself and get into it again.
//Lillita Luv
I feel confused in a way, like it would be a good thing. I'm in some kind of state where I can't judge if it's bad or good, i'm quiet but not as lazy as I usually am. I did lots today, first I got new birthcontrol pills, they are pretty and blue. And the seven once without hormones are green. I'm gonna try them for a while and see if Nevoletta was the reason I had the extreme temp changes, then I bought more makeup and then I met up with my friend and I had a salad with shrimp, then we bought new pretty toothbrushes and then I had festis and a chocolate ball with her and then I went home again.
Today I ate;
A banana
A few ovenfried fries (homemade) with garlicdip
Green salad with shrimp, red onion, cucumber, garlicdressing and seafood cream
An orange juice with that
One 25 cl orange Festis and a chocolate ball (it was yummy, but my stomach hates when I eat sugar and fat, it really does, so my stomach hurts now)
A bun
This far, and it's 17:30, so it's only ½ hour till food-stop. It hasn't worked out for a few days, so I need to smack myself and get into it again.
//Lillita Luv
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The hate list...
I tried to fix another list, what does Lillita actually like about herself? I came up empty. I spent the past half-hour posting in my swedish blog and i'm tired. I'm really tired. Tired of being constantly in comparison with these amazingly hot women who have their own makeup artists and most of all - have actual talent. What do I have? I can't even do a job. It would be the easy way out to die, so let's just skip that. But one thing is for sure, i'm not gonna stay alive being a disgustingly big person with bigger bonestructure than most. If that comes up - there's no doubt in the world. All I ever wanted was to be a beautiful person that could awaken some kind of attraction, instead I ended up being the alltime loser. I blinded and tricked a man and now he's still with me but the question is, when will he realize i'm nothing, because I am nothing. He could easily get anybody and I can't have anybody but him. I weigh too much and if I lose weight just to realize I have disgusting wide hips and gross wide shoulders - that's death. that's when I know I was brought here to die. It's the easiest explanation, some people are born to die and I was one of them. People talk about how they don't have the physical strength to listen to this - I don't have the physical strength to LIVE in this, ok? And still I have to. Maybe I should have died from the beginning. There were so many opportunitys in my life where death was close, maybe i've just escaped it so far. I wonder how much longer I will escape it.
If I can't be like this, then I can't live, it's just a fact.
I don't have a pretty face or a nice body
and if I can have neither - i'm dead.
There are surely so many people out there who know what I feel, you feel it too every single day, the lust to hurt yourself because you can't be pretty enouge, not skinny enouge and you definitly can not compare to these hot celebs around you. I'm not trying to bring anybody else down here with me because this quiet place is as vile as violence, it's like someone is abusing me mentally but the abuser is me and nobody else. I can't charge myself and I can't stop the abuse because I can't control it. How am I supposed to react when the closest person to me talk about how hot this or this girl is, those people can do things to him without even being near that not even I can do. Does anybody even think that could ever make me feel good? I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF and I wish nobody else EVER have to be like me. I wouldn't ever give birth to a child because I don't want to bring forward my disgusting looks and horrible personality, I would be a horrible person to force someone to live through what I do.
Let me be you, i'd do anything.
You're all I ever wanted to be.
I can't deal anymore. He freaked out over my scars, how do I break it to him that there's an unlimited supply of them coming up because nothing seems to help. And before anybody screams "professional help", I tried that. Those "professionals" sent me to a gymnast and told me to walk in circles and clap rythms. I hate myself - it's not like I don't know how to keep a rythm. What is this, kindergarden? How is that going to stop me from cutting. Now, the best part; When I told about the cutting, this woman suggests to me "well, why don't you just stop and find something else?". And the psychologist I was sent to was constantly trying to provote me which resulted in more self-hate and cutting. He questioned if I was able to do a simple job! I'm not reaching to be a fucking rocket scientist, I just want to work in a regular grocerystore, nothing else, is that unreachable for me too? I can't have a job, I can't have a pretty face, I can't have a decent body, I can't have a great personality, I can't attract people like I should. I'm a fat blob with a fugly face who wishes I could be all those things. I wish the story had a better ending, but I gues not. I'll keep on trying to be pretty but in the end I have to realize the faliure and cave in and die. There is no room for ugly people on this planet - they made that clear for me.
/Lillita Luv
If I can't be like this, then I can't live, it's just a fact.I don't have a pretty face or a nice body
and if I can have neither - i'm dead.
There are surely so many people out there who know what I feel, you feel it too every single day, the lust to hurt yourself because you can't be pretty enouge, not skinny enouge and you definitly can not compare to these hot celebs around you. I'm not trying to bring anybody else down here with me because this quiet place is as vile as violence, it's like someone is abusing me mentally but the abuser is me and nobody else. I can't charge myself and I can't stop the abuse because I can't control it. How am I supposed to react when the closest person to me talk about how hot this or this girl is, those people can do things to him without even being near that not even I can do. Does anybody even think that could ever make me feel good? I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF and I wish nobody else EVER have to be like me. I wouldn't ever give birth to a child because I don't want to bring forward my disgusting looks and horrible personality, I would be a horrible person to force someone to live through what I do.
Let me be you, i'd do anything.You're all I ever wanted to be.
I can't deal anymore. He freaked out over my scars, how do I break it to him that there's an unlimited supply of them coming up because nothing seems to help. And before anybody screams "professional help", I tried that. Those "professionals" sent me to a gymnast and told me to walk in circles and clap rythms. I hate myself - it's not like I don't know how to keep a rythm. What is this, kindergarden? How is that going to stop me from cutting. Now, the best part; When I told about the cutting, this woman suggests to me "well, why don't you just stop and find something else?". And the psychologist I was sent to was constantly trying to provote me which resulted in more self-hate and cutting. He questioned if I was able to do a simple job! I'm not reaching to be a fucking rocket scientist, I just want to work in a regular grocerystore, nothing else, is that unreachable for me too? I can't have a job, I can't have a pretty face, I can't have a decent body, I can't have a great personality, I can't attract people like I should. I'm a fat blob with a fugly face who wishes I could be all those things. I wish the story had a better ending, but I gues not. I'll keep on trying to be pretty but in the end I have to realize the faliure and cave in and die. There is no room for ugly people on this planet - they made that clear for me.
/Lillita Luv
Sick - for real, as in snot, coughing and soar throat
I've gotten sick, my baby gave me the germs. Sweet germs because I got them from him. I'm all stuffed up and my throat is slighty soar and I sound funny when I talk. My vision goes kinda in and out and my food is just right to hell, I had homemade ovenfries today. AND ice cream. This is disgustingly bad... Damn.. I keep on with my thinspo and whatnot tho, I made some vids:
First one is a sexy weightloss motivational video with girls who are sexy and skinny, second is just pictures of girls who are nice and skinny.
I set up ultimate and partial goals in my weighloss;
1) Down to 132 lbs/60 kilos
2) Down to 121 lbs/55 kilos
3) Down to 110 lbs/50 kilos
Ultimate weight; 99 lbs/45 kilos
I think it's ok, it's little by little, it'll take months but it can happen, just 5 kilos a time, it's better that way. I had someone tell me that 110 lbs/50 kilos was enouge, but I don't think so.. I'm not going to be all crazy tho, if I look hot by then, i'll stop there. My fave inspiration at the moment is adult actress Hillary Scott (who's in the first video). Her arms and legs are really skinny and she's really cute (well, despite what she does, she have a cute face. If you removed the fact she's in porn she'd be perfect!).
And here's something for the girls out there who wants to gain weight!
It's a so-called curvespo :)
And now for me; Inspiration!
Lillita Luv's y'all! <3 <3 <3
/Lillita Luv
First one is a sexy weightloss motivational video with girls who are sexy and skinny, second is just pictures of girls who are nice and skinny.
I set up ultimate and partial goals in my weighloss;
1) Down to 132 lbs/60 kilos
2) Down to 121 lbs/55 kilos
3) Down to 110 lbs/50 kilos
Ultimate weight; 99 lbs/45 kilos
I think it's ok, it's little by little, it'll take months but it can happen, just 5 kilos a time, it's better that way. I had someone tell me that 110 lbs/50 kilos was enouge, but I don't think so.. I'm not going to be all crazy tho, if I look hot by then, i'll stop there. My fave inspiration at the moment is adult actress Hillary Scott (who's in the first video). Her arms and legs are really skinny and she's really cute (well, despite what she does, she have a cute face. If you removed the fact she's in porn she'd be perfect!).
And here's something for the girls out there who wants to gain weight!
It's a so-called curvespo :)
And now for me; Inspiration!
Lillita Luv's y'all! <3 <3 <3
/Lillita Luv
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I might be sick, but....
I'm not going to follow the footsteps of the rest of dad's side, I don't want to be obese, overweight, nothing. I want to be lean and I want to have the body everybody else wants, nobody ever envied me for anything and I wish I could feel that for once. Just for once, i'd like to have something nobody else did. Now i'm just regular and boring... I wrote a list with my flaws, I just needed to get them out.
Nose - It's too long and it should be slimmer and straighter
Chin - it isn't in proportion to my nose, it should stick out a little more for a balanced profile
Shape of face - I wish it was slimmer and more heartshaped
Forehead - I have the alien syndrome
Eyes - Too small, nice color though I wish they were lighter and more shock blue
Skin - One word; Terrible
Eyebrows - Nice slim shape, but located too low
Arms - Too fat
Legs - Too fat and cellulite is killing me from the inside, I scrub them bloody and it doesn't help.
Body in general - Too fat and my vains show too much, like my skin would be see through and not only the important like the once in my wrists. I can see bloodvessels under my skin around my ribcage.
Feet - Too wide
Hands - Not slim enouge fingers, they should be slimmer and longer
Tits - just horrible, too small, wierd shaped, nipples are a fucking MESS! Not in proportion to my body
Wrists - too fat
Ears - They always look wierd somehow, but they are nicely sized and they have a good angle.
Hair - In progress, not platinum enouge
Hips - Way too wide. One word; Disgusting.
Cheeks - Too fat
Ass - Nothing good to say about it
Back - I try to stand up straight, but I can't hold it that way plus the area around ribcage is fat and disgusting.
Shoulders - Too wide
Height - Too tall with the unflattering weight, a fucking hippo, I look huge.
I'd rather be penciled shape than this disgusting mess, it needs to die. It's one of the worst bodytypes ever brought into this world, at least a fat chick can diet and have a small figure, but I can never do that. It's like a punishment for being me - i'll always be gross, I can't make my shoulders more narrow, I can't make the hip area more narrow, I can't narrow down my feet, I can't be shorter, My ears will always look wierd and my back never turn out good, no matter how much I work out, even when I weighed my least it wasn't good. To maximize what I have I need to hit the golden number 45 and I need my skin to grow thicker in some way, laser maybe? Nose and tits are fixable, almost at least, so is my chin. But I have to live with the disgusting Rhitard forehead.
I absolutley hate myself - deal with it.
Nose - It's too long and it should be slimmer and straighter
Chin - it isn't in proportion to my nose, it should stick out a little more for a balanced profile
Shape of face - I wish it was slimmer and more heartshaped
Forehead - I have the alien syndrome
Eyes - Too small, nice color though I wish they were lighter and more shock blue
Skin - One word; Terrible
Eyebrows - Nice slim shape, but located too low
Arms - Too fat
Legs - Too fat and cellulite is killing me from the inside, I scrub them bloody and it doesn't help.
Body in general - Too fat and my vains show too much, like my skin would be see through and not only the important like the once in my wrists. I can see bloodvessels under my skin around my ribcage.
Feet - Too wide
Hands - Not slim enouge fingers, they should be slimmer and longer
Tits - just horrible, too small, wierd shaped, nipples are a fucking MESS! Not in proportion to my body
Wrists - too fat
Ears - They always look wierd somehow, but they are nicely sized and they have a good angle.
Hair - In progress, not platinum enouge
Hips - Way too wide. One word; Disgusting.
Cheeks - Too fat
Ass - Nothing good to say about it
Back - I try to stand up straight, but I can't hold it that way plus the area around ribcage is fat and disgusting.
Shoulders - Too wide
Height - Too tall with the unflattering weight, a fucking hippo, I look huge.
I'd rather be penciled shape than this disgusting mess, it needs to die. It's one of the worst bodytypes ever brought into this world, at least a fat chick can diet and have a small figure, but I can never do that. It's like a punishment for being me - i'll always be gross, I can't make my shoulders more narrow, I can't make the hip area more narrow, I can't narrow down my feet, I can't be shorter, My ears will always look wierd and my back never turn out good, no matter how much I work out, even when I weighed my least it wasn't good. To maximize what I have I need to hit the golden number 45 and I need my skin to grow thicker in some way, laser maybe? Nose and tits are fixable, almost at least, so is my chin. But I have to live with the disgusting Rhitard forehead.
I absolutley hate myself - deal with it.
Thinspo. This girl in the first pic is perfect
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Lost weight
I don't eat after six and I work out
Todays food;
2 glasses of sugarfree o'boy
2 toastis
1 glass of diet coke
That's all!
Todays food;
2 glasses of sugarfree o'boy
2 toastis
1 glass of diet coke
That's all!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I work..
I've been bad for a while now, i'm getting better again. I ate mostly blueberrysoup, high in fiber. Unfortunatley I ate bread. Fucknuts. I did work out today though, no running tho, I woke up at 19:30 toda. I came home from work/town by 15:00, almost 5 hours, now i'm going to bed again.
btw, I love him more than anything
btw, I love him more than anything
<3>
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Constant nauciousness
Damn, it feels like I want to vomit every secound. I could, nobody would see it anyway, LOL! Little nidiots. btw, H2O is the best thing ever! <3 Pure, clean water, no calories. Diet coke contains less than 1 cal per 100 ml, but that's nothing. But the chemicals makes it less pure. Water with clean Lime or Lemon concentrate in it. No white sugar, no cals.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
If only mother had kept her mouth shut
But now she didn't so bye bye eating.
I ran today, not gonna do the strength since I don't eat, no point in it, the mucles would only eat themselves up.
I wish she could have kept her mouth shut and let me eat when I for once wanted to, but no;
"Are you going to eat that after all work you did?"
It was a freaking pancake
"No mother, i'm gonna feed the cat with it, of course!"
Idiot.
But anyways, i'm freezing, so gonna go shower off now, and I just sent a funny text to two people I know is gonna find it hilarious, and then back to christian studygirl studying satanism, LOL
//Lilita Luv <3
I ran today, not gonna do the strength since I don't eat, no point in it, the mucles would only eat themselves up.
I wish she could have kept her mouth shut and let me eat when I for once wanted to, but no;
"Are you going to eat that after all work you did?"
It was a freaking pancake
"No mother, i'm gonna feed the cat with it, of course!"
Idiot.
But anyways, i'm freezing, so gonna go shower off now, and I just sent a funny text to two people I know is gonna find it hilarious, and then back to christian studygirl studying satanism, LOL
//Lilita Luv <3
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Feeling sick
I just had a banana, so I feel slightly naucious, it feels like I ate something superunhealthy, I know, it's 100 cals in it, but.. it just feels so wrong to eat it....
I did well exercising today tho, I ran more smooth and added an extra bit to my round PLUS that I removed one interwall stopline. I also worked harder with my abs and back and added extra leglifts to my routine, the stretching afterwards felt heavenly until I came to my calfes, I felt like I was killing my legs (probably from the bootcamp I led yesterday, oh god did they sweat! And ask for mercy. And cursed my name. I'm a tough chick.), it was just.. not funny, but after a few minutes the muscles were nice and slim again and the pain was far, far away.
Recently i've been starting to work harder with my makeup, I like trying out these makeups that go a little overboard, a little crazy and freaky, I think it's really fun. I do it as on a regular days basis to, people are in shock of how much makeup I use, LOL. I just feel more attractive that way, and I definitly look it to - me without makeup is like... Something extremley ugly. It's horrible, I swear. I look like a really ugly child.
Foodwise, I do pretty ok;
2 sandwiches
1 glass of o'boy
lunch;
4 sandwiches
3 glasses of milk
dinner;
1 dessertplate of macaronistew
other;
1 banana
3 dl diet coke
2 dl amazing grape sody
not too much, not too little for the amount of exercise I do ^^
I feel good, exept I need to do all these essays and I really need help with it, somebody knows anything about satanism? As in the kind who knows that it's more to it than devilworshiping. Like wiccan. And I need to finish the essay about the political crises in Belgium which is slightly solved now, but I still don't like Leterme on the post after what he said about Vallonians, it's just wrong that the leader of the country shoul hate half of it, god damn it! I passed the test in history about culture, I wrote an essay about the usage of corsets in ballet in the past years, they passed the essay with a little plus, and with my very good grades in dancinghistory I passed the whole course, although I failed two of the essays with the teachers, LOL, but one of the teachers is my classteacher and he knows, he's been reminding me a lot and he knows why, that it isn't just lazyness, so I didn't get the callout of a lifetime at least, LOL, and all the teachers liked my essay so much they decided to pass me, WIIIIE! I feel a lot better about that.
So, what's gonna happen now, i'm about to graduate. I'll probably try to get into the singer/songwrighter program here in my hometown next year, this year.. I don't know, work, I guess. I'd love to work at a kindergarden, but I don't know if i'm good with kids, altho I think it's really cool listening to them, they have imagination to such levels it's just.. Where do they get the energy? LOL! Kids are cool. I'll be little ms cleaninglady this summer at least, it should be ok, I mean, I get paid and mum is going on about "now you're finally gonna learn how to clean!". Newsflash, mum, I never will, LOL. Just when I really try, and you can get me to try hard... for a moneybonus, muahahaha! I'm gonna try to record a few song for the swedish radio artist 2008, the winner gets a challanger spot @ the swedish toplist! I'm probably not gonna go that far, but I can always dream, and people say I have a pretty nice voice.
Ah, that's all for now, ya'll sexy babes <3
//Lillita Luv <3
I did well exercising today tho, I ran more smooth and added an extra bit to my round PLUS that I removed one interwall stopline. I also worked harder with my abs and back and added extra leglifts to my routine, the stretching afterwards felt heavenly until I came to my calfes, I felt like I was killing my legs (probably from the bootcamp I led yesterday, oh god did they sweat! And ask for mercy. And cursed my name. I'm a tough chick.), it was just.. not funny, but after a few minutes the muscles were nice and slim again and the pain was far, far away.
Recently i've been starting to work harder with my makeup, I like trying out these makeups that go a little overboard, a little crazy and freaky, I think it's really fun. I do it as on a regular days basis to, people are in shock of how much makeup I use, LOL. I just feel more attractive that way, and I definitly look it to - me without makeup is like... Something extremley ugly. It's horrible, I swear. I look like a really ugly child.
Foodwise, I do pretty ok;
2 sandwiches
1 glass of o'boy
lunch;
4 sandwiches
3 glasses of milk
dinner;
1 dessertplate of macaronistew
other;
1 banana
3 dl diet coke
2 dl amazing grape sody
not too much, not too little for the amount of exercise I do ^^
I feel good, exept I need to do all these essays and I really need help with it, somebody knows anything about satanism? As in the kind who knows that it's more to it than devilworshiping. Like wiccan. And I need to finish the essay about the political crises in Belgium which is slightly solved now, but I still don't like Leterme on the post after what he said about Vallonians, it's just wrong that the leader of the country shoul hate half of it, god damn it! I passed the test in history about culture, I wrote an essay about the usage of corsets in ballet in the past years, they passed the essay with a little plus, and with my very good grades in dancinghistory I passed the whole course, although I failed two of the essays with the teachers, LOL, but one of the teachers is my classteacher and he knows, he's been reminding me a lot and he knows why, that it isn't just lazyness, so I didn't get the callout of a lifetime at least, LOL, and all the teachers liked my essay so much they decided to pass me, WIIIIE! I feel a lot better about that.
So, what's gonna happen now, i'm about to graduate. I'll probably try to get into the singer/songwrighter program here in my hometown next year, this year.. I don't know, work, I guess. I'd love to work at a kindergarden, but I don't know if i'm good with kids, altho I think it's really cool listening to them, they have imagination to such levels it's just.. Where do they get the energy? LOL! Kids are cool. I'll be little ms cleaninglady this summer at least, it should be ok, I mean, I get paid and mum is going on about "now you're finally gonna learn how to clean!". Newsflash, mum, I never will, LOL. Just when I really try, and you can get me to try hard... for a moneybonus, muahahaha! I'm gonna try to record a few song for the swedish radio artist 2008, the winner gets a challanger spot @ the swedish toplist! I'm probably not gonna go that far, but I can always dream, and people say I have a pretty nice voice.
Ah, that's all for now, ya'll sexy babes <3
//Lillita Luv <3
Monday, May 12, 2008
My running and eating today;
Todays schedual;
3 km round
20 crunches
20 sidecrunches (10 each side)
10 crunches lifting leg
20 straight leg crunches (leg up in the air, 10 each side)
20 "frog" crunches (as I call it, lol)
20 lower ab thingydingy (LOL)
20 modified pushups
around 2 minute of the backexercise I call "bam bam", lol. I don't know what it's called
around 1 minute of the backexercise "the dolphine"
some other back and shoulder exercises
stretching full body
These I did 30 on each side;
leglifts
peeing dog (LOL)
straight legged lift
bent leg toss (no puns or I punch you with my 20 modified pushup arms)
All this took around.. 1½ hour of active time. Nice
My eating was a disaster after the drunken night yesterday, still drunk when I woke up, sooo embarresing. I hate being drunk like that.
4 baby toblerone (3 white, 1 milk)
½ wholemeal sandwitch
1 can RC cola
1/3 0,5 bottle of Ramlösa kaktus (mineralwater)
10 g 70% chocolate
wholemeal crackers
And after working out;
1 tacoroll
1 dl diet coke
2/3 Ramlösa kaktus
Bad day, good with the workout tho
/Lillita Luv <3
3 km round
20 crunches
20 sidecrunches (10 each side)
10 crunches lifting leg
20 straight leg crunches (leg up in the air, 10 each side)
20 "frog" crunches (as I call it, lol)
20 lower ab thingydingy (LOL)
20 modified pushups
around 2 minute of the backexercise I call "bam bam", lol. I don't know what it's called
around 1 minute of the backexercise "the dolphine"
some other back and shoulder exercises
stretching full body
These I did 30 on each side;
leglifts
peeing dog (LOL)
straight legged lift
bent leg toss (no puns or I punch you with my 20 modified pushup arms)
All this took around.. 1½ hour of active time. Nice
My eating was a disaster after the drunken night yesterday, still drunk when I woke up, sooo embarresing. I hate being drunk like that.
4 baby toblerone (3 white, 1 milk)
½ wholemeal sandwitch
1 can RC cola
1/3 0,5 bottle of Ramlösa kaktus (mineralwater)
10 g 70% chocolate
wholemeal crackers
And after working out;
1 tacoroll
1 dl diet coke
2/3 Ramlösa kaktus
Bad day, good with the workout tho
/Lillita Luv <3
3 panicattacks..
It sucks, but it's alright. I just get scared and I get the thoughts back.
My weight is bad again, but the production is over (although I feel like crying my eyes out over it) and I can run again.. and I don't need to eat to keep my energy up, yay! I'm scared of what awaits me though..
My weight is bad again, but the production is over (although I feel like crying my eyes out over it) and I can run again.. and I don't need to eat to keep my energy up, yay! I'm scared of what awaits me though..
Friday, May 2, 2008
4 days off
Feels just amazing, I have 3 (okay, 2 days now) off, no school, no show. It means I can eat normal again and it means I can run again, and it feels better and better. Well, certain amazing people help me with that too <33
I ate an egg and milk.. lots of milk.. I feel a little full and naucious, it's so easy to get full when eating eggs, like it gets stuck halfway down to your stomach.
Today i'm gonna go into the big city near us, woohoo! My cellphone needs to be locked up, so i'm gonna try to get that fixed, or I won't have a cellphone for a longass while. Which would cause massive anger and massive destruction of the Telia store. Yup. Yah.
I started to add some more things to my workout, just a little at a time tho, so I don't get sick of it, I added like 10 more situps.. but not regular, they bore me, plus, it looks wierd after only doing regular, like Fergie's stomach, like the middle part sticks out from the muscles being toned, but the rest isn't.. And I wanna go for completley flat.
/Lillita Luv <3
----------------------
Update;
Lunch;
2 bananas
1 blueberry/raspberry smoothie
Dinner;
150 g tomatoe/mozarella pie
and the regular 3 km running and situps and whatnot...
//Lilita Luv <3
I ate an egg and milk.. lots of milk.. I feel a little full and naucious, it's so easy to get full when eating eggs, like it gets stuck halfway down to your stomach.
Today i'm gonna go into the big city near us, woohoo! My cellphone needs to be locked up, so i'm gonna try to get that fixed, or I won't have a cellphone for a longass while. Which would cause massive anger and massive destruction of the Telia store. Yup. Yah.
I started to add some more things to my workout, just a little at a time tho, so I don't get sick of it, I added like 10 more situps.. but not regular, they bore me, plus, it looks wierd after only doing regular, like Fergie's stomach, like the middle part sticks out from the muscles being toned, but the rest isn't.. And I wanna go for completley flat.
/Lillita Luv <3
----------------------
Update;
Lunch;
2 bananas
1 blueberry/raspberry smoothie
Dinner;
150 g tomatoe/mozarella pie
and the regular 3 km running and situps and whatnot...
//Lilita Luv <3
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Just stepped up on the scale
I feel like i'm gonna be sick, I need to get all this fluid out of my system, it's probably mostly muscles, but fuck it, the scale speaks the most reasonable language and it's not supposed to ever be over 99 pounds for my size and it's way over and I need to get down to that and stay there, I should have been that for the whole time and I never were. Disgusting.
/Lilita Luv
It's just that kind of day today
/Lilita Luv
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Just fell again, I let myself go
I should't have let myself go, I did the ultimate worst thing I could do - I gained. For fuck sake, this is just gross, I let myself go because I felt too safe, that's not the right thing to do for me, I need to watch it more carefully. I need to cut down again, less food, more water. We're gonna start touring soon, it's a bit of a hell, because when tired, it's not like we can go to sleep for an hour, but there's food, food, food, and all the already skinny people eat candy all over the place, I just fucked up. Somebody slam me across the head and send me out to run, that's what I need, I need a run and a green salad. I am eating a banana right now (I know, it's not good) and I have a terrible cold, but at least I do better in the show finally, it feels a lot better and the choreographys are coming together nicely. So I can't ruin my good life with stupid things....
/Lillita Luv<3
/Lillita Luv<3
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Homophobia
I just want to make it clear - I can not tolerate homophobic or racist opinions, I have no respect for people when they express these kinds of opinions, this however, does not mean I lack in respect of the person, just that they have these kind of opinions. I hope all countrys will work together to reverse this worlwide brainwashing, rate of people with homophobic and racist opinions is getting higher and higher, it's terrifying - we live in the second millenium and we still live thinking some people are less worth than others because of something they can't change? Because that's what it is, people can supress their sexuality but it is what it is, it's not disgusting, IT'S LOVE FOR FUCK SAKE! We always talk about Romeo and Juliet, Harry and Sally, Jack and Rose and everybody is like "awwh, that's so sweet", but what happens when Jack and Harry get together? Or Juliet and Rose? It SHOULD be the same thing, it's still love, it's the same thing as "straight" love, how come it's all of a sudden disgusting because both have boobs or both have testicles? Gee, go modern, skip this homophobia crap, it's getting old and tiresome.
And don't get me started on racism, skincolor would make a person less worth? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer, do you think a white chick with a tan is less worth, then? Probably not, no?
/Lillita Luv
And don't get me started on racism, skincolor would make a person less worth? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer, do you think a white chick with a tan is less worth, then? Probably not, no?
/Lillita Luv
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Is she pissed off or what?
Some people are good well lucky and they don't even realize it, my mother is running my life although i'm 18 fucking years old, missing a day in school is a deadly sin, she'd rather have me kill myself than skip school and do something that could make me feel actually good about myself for one fucking secound, something that's rare in this lifetime and life. But what pisses me off mostly is when people complain about it.
"OMG! I don't know what to do, it's this and this and I need HEEELP!"
and I do bring the answers to them, I can actually tell them what to do, so I do, but then they respond;
"Well, I don't wanna do that, it isn't any fun and yada yada yada.."
Well, then there is NOTHING I can do, I helped you, go somewhere else complain about your broken nail, I have more important issues to solve, I can help people that appreciates my help and listen to my advice instead. I have no problem talking about more difficult problems that won't be solved over a day, but those are the problems that matter to me more, in my priority, a suicidal friend is more worth than the fact you ran out of mascara this morning. Little things that break you down and you don't know why - that is a problem, discuss it with me, but don't get hooked on the one and same detail without making sure I understand this isn't just about you having split ends, but there is an underlaying factor, because if little things like that get you down, there is.
There are diffirent kinds of people, two main types; the once who are open with their problems and talk about them out loud whatever it is, that can bring a lot of good sides for themselves psycologically. Being open and honest with others and yourself is a step towards accepting the situatuon and doing something about it. The other one likes to bury themselves in others problems instead of dealing with their own, I know people who are like that (i'm REALLY not like that myself) and it only brings badness into the picture. It supresses and it kills you inside. There needs to be some kind of releasemechanism, if it's talking, wrighting, painting, organizing non-stops, doesn't matter, just something. But sooner or later the problems will come back up and bite you, better to solve them sooner rather than later when they've grown bigger.
There are subtypes to these, of course the mythomaniac, the people who get pissed off if you even mention their problems, there are the people who are just generally quiet when these things happen, or people who become more social as an escape from thinking, workoholics, the people who takes the pain out on everybody else who's around, the people who starts to complain about absolutley everything when they are feeling bad....
Or, the best of them all, the "all my problems are more important than yours" types of individuals, they don't have energy to walk up the stairs today - so they are gonna have a fit if I do want to walk because "i'm so tired, I can't do this anymore", which I think is understandable. But then when I have a mental breakdown they litterally asks;
"What's for lunch today?"
What the hell is that about? I'm having a severe breakdown, i'm going insain, you don't even try to say anything helpful, instead you ask "what's for lunch?". Not a "maybe you should go talk to the councillar or this or this person, they know what to do".
But people are more complex than to just put them in one category, many of the elements can be in the same person, depending on what's bothering them and so on... But there is such a thing as saying "I don't feel up to talking about this right now, maybe you could look for someone else?", not just asking what food there is today.
I had a friend who helped me through admitting I had problems with my eating when I was younger, she didn't know ANYTHING about it, but she made sure I ate, she followed me to the councillar, at least she did what she could and she wasn't feeling very well herself. That's a real friend. Sadly, we aren't close anymore, I miss her a lot, I wish we became closer again, but I don't think it'll happen. Those times were better than any part of my life because I knew I had a stabil friend in my life I could always count on.
I'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you trying to choose between the two guys you are dating because I have none, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you having to try to fit in time with all your friends because mine doesn't want to be with me, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you when you "only" get a B on an essay when I have to fight stressdyslexia to pass the grade in a subjects I used to get top grades in, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry that you can't remember your old classmates phonenumber when I can't remember my childhood or my early teend. Or mid-teens for that matter.
/LillyRose <3
"OMG! I don't know what to do, it's this and this and I need HEEELP!"
and I do bring the answers to them, I can actually tell them what to do, so I do, but then they respond;
"Well, I don't wanna do that, it isn't any fun and yada yada yada.."
Well, then there is NOTHING I can do, I helped you, go somewhere else complain about your broken nail, I have more important issues to solve, I can help people that appreciates my help and listen to my advice instead. I have no problem talking about more difficult problems that won't be solved over a day, but those are the problems that matter to me more, in my priority, a suicidal friend is more worth than the fact you ran out of mascara this morning. Little things that break you down and you don't know why - that is a problem, discuss it with me, but don't get hooked on the one and same detail without making sure I understand this isn't just about you having split ends, but there is an underlaying factor, because if little things like that get you down, there is.
There are diffirent kinds of people, two main types; the once who are open with their problems and talk about them out loud whatever it is, that can bring a lot of good sides for themselves psycologically. Being open and honest with others and yourself is a step towards accepting the situatuon and doing something about it. The other one likes to bury themselves in others problems instead of dealing with their own, I know people who are like that (i'm REALLY not like that myself) and it only brings badness into the picture. It supresses and it kills you inside. There needs to be some kind of releasemechanism, if it's talking, wrighting, painting, organizing non-stops, doesn't matter, just something. But sooner or later the problems will come back up and bite you, better to solve them sooner rather than later when they've grown bigger.
There are subtypes to these, of course the mythomaniac, the people who get pissed off if you even mention their problems, there are the people who are just generally quiet when these things happen, or people who become more social as an escape from thinking, workoholics, the people who takes the pain out on everybody else who's around, the people who starts to complain about absolutley everything when they are feeling bad....
Or, the best of them all, the "all my problems are more important than yours" types of individuals, they don't have energy to walk up the stairs today - so they are gonna have a fit if I do want to walk because "i'm so tired, I can't do this anymore", which I think is understandable. But then when I have a mental breakdown they litterally asks;
"What's for lunch today?"
What the hell is that about? I'm having a severe breakdown, i'm going insain, you don't even try to say anything helpful, instead you ask "what's for lunch?". Not a "maybe you should go talk to the councillar or this or this person, they know what to do".
But people are more complex than to just put them in one category, many of the elements can be in the same person, depending on what's bothering them and so on... But there is such a thing as saying "I don't feel up to talking about this right now, maybe you could look for someone else?", not just asking what food there is today.
I had a friend who helped me through admitting I had problems with my eating when I was younger, she didn't know ANYTHING about it, but she made sure I ate, she followed me to the councillar, at least she did what she could and she wasn't feeling very well herself. That's a real friend. Sadly, we aren't close anymore, I miss her a lot, I wish we became closer again, but I don't think it'll happen. Those times were better than any part of my life because I knew I had a stabil friend in my life I could always count on.
I'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you trying to choose between the two guys you are dating because I have none, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you having to try to fit in time with all your friends because mine doesn't want to be with me, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you when you "only" get a B on an essay when I have to fight stressdyslexia to pass the grade in a subjects I used to get top grades in, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry that you can't remember your old classmates phonenumber when I can't remember my childhood or my early teend. Or mid-teens for that matter.
/LillyRose <3
Saturday, April 12, 2008
I woke up this saturdaymorning....
Feeling Ok, I woke up like 7:30 AM which isn't bad for me, I didn't even need wakeup call, so far I had 2 soft sandwiches (Thank nature I can eat again!) and a glass of milk. I have to be at rehersals at 10 tho, so I only have like an hour left.. So mean, I want a nice quiet weekend of sleeping and jogging to Cradle of Filth, lol. But today is gonna be good, our makeup artist (she also creates ideas for our props and such) is gonna try some makeups on me, see which'll fit my character the best, it'll be fun. And doing my monolouge, I know the whole text now, it feels good. I hope i'll do good, of course I can't compete with my full actor brother or classmates, but I can do something good anyway, our director like my take of the text and yesterday one of our choreographers told me I have a better energy to me than before. I think it's the jogging, it sooths me and I feel better, also I put a more positive outlook on life.
I think i'm gonna post a thinspo pic just for the hell of it, making sure I really go out running tomorrow, since I can't today... And I won't be able to run all next week, AAAH! It's the premiere week which means rehersals 8 in the morning to 8 in the eve. But i'll just have to make sure to not eat so much like I do now. a little less does a lot for me, but never not eat at all, always eat a little to keep the metabolism up! The funny thing is, well, a person with anorexia, sure, they'll drop in weight, but they'd drop even faster if they actually ate and ate tiny meals, lol. But anorexia isn't a weightlossplan, it's a disease. I don't belive that much in pro-ana. I don't think it'll help much but in giving you heartdiseases so you can die earlier.
My fave pic <3
I didn't buy candy, I was just SO close to, but I thought of how proud I could be for resisting. Why do I need something extra over my food intake? I don't, but the cheater I am, I do have diet cola, but it's ok, I mean, less cals than low fat milk, lol. I just hope mum won't buy anything more, she bought chips, and I really REALLY don't want to eat them, I can't let myself do that. So I won't. I will be strong, if I can go this weekend without eating them, i'm gonna be very proud. I <3 my diet cola tho.. I love, love, love it <3 And I love some people, but let's not go there ;) They are.. just for me. Nobody else come near or I'll bite ;)
/Lillita Luv <3
I think i'm gonna post a thinspo pic just for the hell of it, making sure I really go out running tomorrow, since I can't today... And I won't be able to run all next week, AAAH! It's the premiere week which means rehersals 8 in the morning to 8 in the eve. But i'll just have to make sure to not eat so much like I do now. a little less does a lot for me, but never not eat at all, always eat a little to keep the metabolism up! The funny thing is, well, a person with anorexia, sure, they'll drop in weight, but they'd drop even faster if they actually ate and ate tiny meals, lol. But anorexia isn't a weightlossplan, it's a disease. I don't belive that much in pro-ana. I don't think it'll help much but in giving you heartdiseases so you can die earlier.
My fave pic <3I didn't buy candy, I was just SO close to, but I thought of how proud I could be for resisting. Why do I need something extra over my food intake? I don't, but the cheater I am, I do have diet cola, but it's ok, I mean, less cals than low fat milk, lol. I just hope mum won't buy anything more, she bought chips, and I really REALLY don't want to eat them, I can't let myself do that. So I won't. I will be strong, if I can go this weekend without eating them, i'm gonna be very proud. I <3 my diet cola tho.. I love, love, love it <3 And I love some people, but let's not go there ;) They are.. just for me. Nobody else come near or I'll bite ;)
/Lillita Luv <3
Friday, April 11, 2008
Danced today again!
I had a dancinglesson and it went absolutley fabulous! I loved it, I feel great again, I need to stay positive, my life feels so much better when I do. I sit here listneing to Dimmu Borgir - The Promised Future Aeons thanks to a certain manlyness. I like it.
I ran today again, it was so funny, I was scared out of my mind, and then when I was mostly scared, snow fell down from a roof and landed like 1 meter away from me, I litterally jumped and ran for my life, my heart was beating, I have fast reflexes tho, that's good, LOL. And then I started to think of that horrormovie I watched with Donkey and Crow last year. Oh my GOD was I scared then. I hid behind a pillow the whole movie, lol..
Tomorrow is rehersals all day long, potentionally fun, but I don't know.. I hope it'll be.
/Lilita Luv <3
I ran today again, it was so funny, I was scared out of my mind, and then when I was mostly scared, snow fell down from a roof and landed like 1 meter away from me, I litterally jumped and ran for my life, my heart was beating, I have fast reflexes tho, that's good, LOL. And then I started to think of that horrormovie I watched with Donkey and Crow last year. Oh my GOD was I scared then. I hid behind a pillow the whole movie, lol..
Tomorrow is rehersals all day long, potentionally fun, but I don't know.. I hope it'll be.
/Lilita Luv <3
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Jogging back on track!
Jogged again today, ran like hell, and danced. T'was nice. I finally feel like my energy is returning, I feel like the choreographys ain't impossible, it's all about my attitude. I also talked to a classmate today, we used to hang out in first year. She's really nice, I really like her. I will miss them all so much...
/Lillita Luv <3
/Lillita Luv <3
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Stageclothes done
I couldn't run today.. Fucking sucks, I feel fat whenever I don't.. Uck, well, but all my stageclothes are done now, that's good. Not much to wright today, exept the burningwounds in my mouth sting as hell, so I didn't eat much. But it was ok anyways, you know.
/Lilita Luv <3
/Lilita Luv <3
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I beat the snow!
I ran anyways today, felt good, until I came home and realized we only had disgusting filled vegitarian schnizel, I hate filled schnizel. Fucking disgusting foods, so I didn't eat and listened to mother compain about how she tried to do something nice for me and this was the thanks. Well, great, I work out and can't eat, i'll be a walking skeleton anytime soon so you'll have something else to complain about. There is no way to please you.
The roof of my mouth is burnt so badly it bleeds, it stings so badly I can't even drink anything. This is one crappy ending to one happy day. My onstage clothings are almost finished completley, feels good to have it ready, I need to find red converse though, so that's kinda sucky, you know?
Today I ran (as I said from the beginning) but also did my situps and backlifts and whatnot, I hope it'll help, because i'm just.. Feeling gross.. Uck. And the premiere is in 11 days. And my mouth is still bleeding. Fucking hell.
//Lillita Luv <3
The roof of my mouth is burnt so badly it bleeds, it stings so badly I can't even drink anything. This is one crappy ending to one happy day. My onstage clothings are almost finished completley, feels good to have it ready, I need to find red converse though, so that's kinda sucky, you know?
Today I ran (as I said from the beginning) but also did my situps and backlifts and whatnot, I hope it'll help, because i'm just.. Feeling gross.. Uck. And the premiere is in 11 days. And my mouth is still bleeding. Fucking hell.
//Lillita Luv <3
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Fucknuts snow
It's snow outside. FUCKNUTS! I just got started and the fucking snow returns. Well, I hope it melts again soon, because I can't run on a slippery road, I just hope the day is warm and the snow melts away, that'll make me happy.
Updates this later <3
/Lilita Luv <3
-------------------------------------
The snow hasn't melted and I didn't get my fat lazy ass out of the house when I got home from our late rehersal, I feel so gross now.. Eww.. I'm gonna try not to eat anything else tonight.
/Lillita Luv <3
Updates this later <3
/Lilita Luv <3
-------------------------------------
The snow hasn't melted and I didn't get my fat lazy ass out of the house when I got home from our late rehersal, I feel so gross now.. Eww.. I'm gonna try not to eat anything else tonight.
/Lillita Luv <3
Going out for my second round of running
It's a good running day today, I just run and run. I'll go for 6 km today, I wish I'd done 9 instead, but whatever, you know? Lol
I actually forgot to eat today, seriously. I put a breadslice in the toaster and thought "i'll eat it and then run" but I forgot to get it, so I ran out anyway, lol.
I'll update this post later, bye for now, babes!
-------------------------------------------
Update;
I ran the second round, no problems!
And my fooddiary of today, of course;
1 toast
like... not even one fish filé
1 small potatoe
3 glasses of diet cola
That was not much, I know.. But the day was wierd and I forgot to eat, so that was bad.. And then the fish was so gross I couldn't eat it.. It was some kind of shrimps and sauce baked into the fish and it was absolutley disgusting... So after that I got so naucious I couldn't eat..
Anyways, now i'm gonna sleep, it's gonna be nice.
/Lillita Luv <3
I actually forgot to eat today, seriously. I put a breadslice in the toaster and thought "i'll eat it and then run" but I forgot to get it, so I ran out anyway, lol.
I'll update this post later, bye for now, babes!
-------------------------------------------
Update;
I ran the second round, no problems!
And my fooddiary of today, of course;
1 toast
like... not even one fish filé
1 small potatoe
3 glasses of diet cola
That was not much, I know.. But the day was wierd and I forgot to eat, so that was bad.. And then the fish was so gross I couldn't eat it.. It was some kind of shrimps and sauce baked into the fish and it was absolutley disgusting... So after that I got so naucious I couldn't eat..
Anyways, now i'm gonna sleep, it's gonna be nice.
/Lillita Luv <3
Yesterdays craptastic experiences turned a little better
All thanks to wonderful people that pick me up time after time when I fall too far down. Little brother actually got me to eat my dinner, felt nice to eat, actually. Thank you, you know who you are <33
And I talked to other nice people yesterday too, it feels good to be around positive people, even if it's "just" online. It makes me positive and makes me have a more positive outlook. And compliments ain't wrong, lol.
At the moment i'm sitting listening to"The Eminem Show". I seriously haven't listened to it since I was 13 or 14, the first year I got it, I listened to it so much and loved it so much, but I stopped for some reason, and now I listen to it again, lol. I remember I looked pretty sad when I was little, my brothers called me hiphop goth, dressed in hiphop outfits, pale as a corpse, black eyemakeup and dark-red lipstick. Listened to Eminem, Turbonegro, Cradle of Filth mixed up with Christina Aguilera's Fighter and Walk Away. At 14-15; Worked out like hell. Barley ever ate. Dark eyemakeup. Listened to Christina Aguilera exclusivly. Now I listen to a lot. Littlebrother said I had the worlds widest taste in music, a little funny, lol. I am an eyelineraddict. Loves Amy Winehouse. I'm resolving into something better, ain't I?
Todays plan is just to run, work out and rest a little. My knees are killing me, lol. <3
Hmm.. Well, 11:30 this morning, my mum ran into my room screaming at me I needed to clean up, all because she had a dream. Lol. And when I went to bed last night (at 4:15 *deephole*) she came into my room all like "you can't be up this late, it's bad", like I didn't know I should have slept earlier, lol. I knew that, I just got occupied doing more funnier things like watching movies. She wouldn't even have listened, so I didn't bother talking to her about it, LOL. <3
/Lilita Luv <3
And I talked to other nice people yesterday too, it feels good to be around positive people, even if it's "just" online. It makes me positive and makes me have a more positive outlook. And compliments ain't wrong, lol.
At the moment i'm sitting listening to"The Eminem Show". I seriously haven't listened to it since I was 13 or 14, the first year I got it, I listened to it so much and loved it so much, but I stopped for some reason, and now I listen to it again, lol. I remember I looked pretty sad when I was little, my brothers called me hiphop goth, dressed in hiphop outfits, pale as a corpse, black eyemakeup and dark-red lipstick. Listened to Eminem, Turbonegro, Cradle of Filth mixed up with Christina Aguilera's Fighter and Walk Away. At 14-15; Worked out like hell. Barley ever ate. Dark eyemakeup. Listened to Christina Aguilera exclusivly. Now I listen to a lot. Littlebrother said I had the worlds widest taste in music, a little funny, lol. I am an eyelineraddict. Loves Amy Winehouse. I'm resolving into something better, ain't I?
Todays plan is just to run, work out and rest a little. My knees are killing me, lol. <3
Hmm.. Well, 11:30 this morning, my mum ran into my room screaming at me I needed to clean up, all because she had a dream. Lol. And when I went to bed last night (at 4:15 *deephole*) she came into my room all like "you can't be up this late, it's bad", like I didn't know I should have slept earlier, lol. I knew that, I just got occupied doing more funnier things like watching movies. She wouldn't even have listened, so I didn't bother talking to her about it, LOL. <3
/Lilita Luv <3
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Fucknuts
Crappy day, as usual.
Today I ate;
1 glass of juice
1 sandwitch
1½ tomatoebeef
2 tbsp mash
½ muffin
1 toast
1 glass of diet cola
It was Ok.. I ran as usual, did my situps, backlifts, pushups and I stretched.
And then I went to a show a classmate of mine arranged, it was really fun. And I met a lot of people I knew since before.
/Lillita Luv <3
Today I ate;
1 glass of juice
1 sandwitch
1½ tomatoebeef
2 tbsp mash
½ muffin
1 toast
1 glass of diet cola
It was Ok.. I ran as usual, did my situps, backlifts, pushups and I stretched.
And then I went to a show a classmate of mine arranged, it was really fun. And I met a lot of people I knew since before.
/Lillita Luv <3
Blow off steam day
The play is sucking all the fun out of me, so I wrote some emotastic poetry. Or not.
...as I see you reach for me with the worried expression on your face, like you knew these are my last minutes. My body caves in, my internal organs are giving up, one by one, I fall, you hold me up. You know. You try. You don't want to say goodbye.
Ah, screw it, Loves It <3
...as I see you reach for me with the worried expression on your face, like you knew these are my last minutes. My body caves in, my internal organs are giving up, one by one, I fall, you hold me up. You know. You try. You don't want to say goodbye.
Ah, screw it, Loves It <3
Friday, April 4, 2008
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