It's just that kind of day today
/Lilita Luv
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Just stepped up on the scale
I feel like i'm gonna be sick, I need to get all this fluid out of my system, it's probably mostly muscles, but fuck it, the scale speaks the most reasonable language and it's not supposed to ever be over 99 pounds for my size and it's way over and I need to get down to that and stay there, I should have been that for the whole time and I never were. Disgusting.
/Lilita Luv
/Lilita Luv
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Just fell again, I let myself go
I should't have let myself go, I did the ultimate worst thing I could do - I gained. For fuck sake, this is just gross, I let myself go because I felt too safe, that's not the right thing to do for me, I need to watch it more carefully. I need to cut down again, less food, more water. We're gonna start touring soon, it's a bit of a hell, because when tired, it's not like we can go to sleep for an hour, but there's food, food, food, and all the already skinny people eat candy all over the place, I just fucked up. Somebody slam me across the head and send me out to run, that's what I need, I need a run and a green salad. I am eating a banana right now (I know, it's not good) and I have a terrible cold, but at least I do better in the show finally, it feels a lot better and the choreographys are coming together nicely. So I can't ruin my good life with stupid things....
/Lillita Luv<3
/Lillita Luv<3
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Homophobia
I just want to make it clear - I can not tolerate homophobic or racist opinions, I have no respect for people when they express these kinds of opinions, this however, does not mean I lack in respect of the person, just that they have these kind of opinions. I hope all countrys will work together to reverse this worlwide brainwashing, rate of people with homophobic and racist opinions is getting higher and higher, it's terrifying - we live in the second millenium and we still live thinking some people are less worth than others because of something they can't change? Because that's what it is, people can supress their sexuality but it is what it is, it's not disgusting, IT'S LOVE FOR FUCK SAKE! We always talk about Romeo and Juliet, Harry and Sally, Jack and Rose and everybody is like "awwh, that's so sweet", but what happens when Jack and Harry get together? Or Juliet and Rose? It SHOULD be the same thing, it's still love, it's the same thing as "straight" love, how come it's all of a sudden disgusting because both have boobs or both have testicles? Gee, go modern, skip this homophobia crap, it's getting old and tiresome.
And don't get me started on racism, skincolor would make a person less worth? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer, do you think a white chick with a tan is less worth, then? Probably not, no?
/Lillita Luv
And don't get me started on racism, skincolor would make a person less worth? I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer, do you think a white chick with a tan is less worth, then? Probably not, no?
/Lillita Luv
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Is she pissed off or what?
Some people are good well lucky and they don't even realize it, my mother is running my life although i'm 18 fucking years old, missing a day in school is a deadly sin, she'd rather have me kill myself than skip school and do something that could make me feel actually good about myself for one fucking secound, something that's rare in this lifetime and life. But what pisses me off mostly is when people complain about it.
"OMG! I don't know what to do, it's this and this and I need HEEELP!"
and I do bring the answers to them, I can actually tell them what to do, so I do, but then they respond;
"Well, I don't wanna do that, it isn't any fun and yada yada yada.."
Well, then there is NOTHING I can do, I helped you, go somewhere else complain about your broken nail, I have more important issues to solve, I can help people that appreciates my help and listen to my advice instead. I have no problem talking about more difficult problems that won't be solved over a day, but those are the problems that matter to me more, in my priority, a suicidal friend is more worth than the fact you ran out of mascara this morning. Little things that break you down and you don't know why - that is a problem, discuss it with me, but don't get hooked on the one and same detail without making sure I understand this isn't just about you having split ends, but there is an underlaying factor, because if little things like that get you down, there is.
There are diffirent kinds of people, two main types; the once who are open with their problems and talk about them out loud whatever it is, that can bring a lot of good sides for themselves psycologically. Being open and honest with others and yourself is a step towards accepting the situatuon and doing something about it. The other one likes to bury themselves in others problems instead of dealing with their own, I know people who are like that (i'm REALLY not like that myself) and it only brings badness into the picture. It supresses and it kills you inside. There needs to be some kind of releasemechanism, if it's talking, wrighting, painting, organizing non-stops, doesn't matter, just something. But sooner or later the problems will come back up and bite you, better to solve them sooner rather than later when they've grown bigger.
There are subtypes to these, of course the mythomaniac, the people who get pissed off if you even mention their problems, there are the people who are just generally quiet when these things happen, or people who become more social as an escape from thinking, workoholics, the people who takes the pain out on everybody else who's around, the people who starts to complain about absolutley everything when they are feeling bad....
Or, the best of them all, the "all my problems are more important than yours" types of individuals, they don't have energy to walk up the stairs today - so they are gonna have a fit if I do want to walk because "i'm so tired, I can't do this anymore", which I think is understandable. But then when I have a mental breakdown they litterally asks;
"What's for lunch today?"
What the hell is that about? I'm having a severe breakdown, i'm going insain, you don't even try to say anything helpful, instead you ask "what's for lunch?". Not a "maybe you should go talk to the councillar or this or this person, they know what to do".
But people are more complex than to just put them in one category, many of the elements can be in the same person, depending on what's bothering them and so on... But there is such a thing as saying "I don't feel up to talking about this right now, maybe you could look for someone else?", not just asking what food there is today.
I had a friend who helped me through admitting I had problems with my eating when I was younger, she didn't know ANYTHING about it, but she made sure I ate, she followed me to the councillar, at least she did what she could and she wasn't feeling very well herself. That's a real friend. Sadly, we aren't close anymore, I miss her a lot, I wish we became closer again, but I don't think it'll happen. Those times were better than any part of my life because I knew I had a stabil friend in my life I could always count on.
I'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you trying to choose between the two guys you are dating because I have none, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you having to try to fit in time with all your friends because mine doesn't want to be with me, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you when you "only" get a B on an essay when I have to fight stressdyslexia to pass the grade in a subjects I used to get top grades in, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry that you can't remember your old classmates phonenumber when I can't remember my childhood or my early teend. Or mid-teens for that matter.
/LillyRose <3
"OMG! I don't know what to do, it's this and this and I need HEEELP!"
and I do bring the answers to them, I can actually tell them what to do, so I do, but then they respond;
"Well, I don't wanna do that, it isn't any fun and yada yada yada.."
Well, then there is NOTHING I can do, I helped you, go somewhere else complain about your broken nail, I have more important issues to solve, I can help people that appreciates my help and listen to my advice instead. I have no problem talking about more difficult problems that won't be solved over a day, but those are the problems that matter to me more, in my priority, a suicidal friend is more worth than the fact you ran out of mascara this morning. Little things that break you down and you don't know why - that is a problem, discuss it with me, but don't get hooked on the one and same detail without making sure I understand this isn't just about you having split ends, but there is an underlaying factor, because if little things like that get you down, there is.
There are diffirent kinds of people, two main types; the once who are open with their problems and talk about them out loud whatever it is, that can bring a lot of good sides for themselves psycologically. Being open and honest with others and yourself is a step towards accepting the situatuon and doing something about it. The other one likes to bury themselves in others problems instead of dealing with their own, I know people who are like that (i'm REALLY not like that myself) and it only brings badness into the picture. It supresses and it kills you inside. There needs to be some kind of releasemechanism, if it's talking, wrighting, painting, organizing non-stops, doesn't matter, just something. But sooner or later the problems will come back up and bite you, better to solve them sooner rather than later when they've grown bigger.
There are subtypes to these, of course the mythomaniac, the people who get pissed off if you even mention their problems, there are the people who are just generally quiet when these things happen, or people who become more social as an escape from thinking, workoholics, the people who takes the pain out on everybody else who's around, the people who starts to complain about absolutley everything when they are feeling bad....
Or, the best of them all, the "all my problems are more important than yours" types of individuals, they don't have energy to walk up the stairs today - so they are gonna have a fit if I do want to walk because "i'm so tired, I can't do this anymore", which I think is understandable. But then when I have a mental breakdown they litterally asks;
"What's for lunch today?"
What the hell is that about? I'm having a severe breakdown, i'm going insain, you don't even try to say anything helpful, instead you ask "what's for lunch?". Not a "maybe you should go talk to the councillar or this or this person, they know what to do".
But people are more complex than to just put them in one category, many of the elements can be in the same person, depending on what's bothering them and so on... But there is such a thing as saying "I don't feel up to talking about this right now, maybe you could look for someone else?", not just asking what food there is today.
I had a friend who helped me through admitting I had problems with my eating when I was younger, she didn't know ANYTHING about it, but she made sure I ate, she followed me to the councillar, at least she did what she could and she wasn't feeling very well herself. That's a real friend. Sadly, we aren't close anymore, I miss her a lot, I wish we became closer again, but I don't think it'll happen. Those times were better than any part of my life because I knew I had a stabil friend in my life I could always count on.
I'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you trying to choose between the two guys you are dating because I have none, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you having to try to fit in time with all your friends because mine doesn't want to be with me, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry for you when you "only" get a B on an essay when I have to fight stressdyslexia to pass the grade in a subjects I used to get top grades in, i'm sorry I can't feel sorry that you can't remember your old classmates phonenumber when I can't remember my childhood or my early teend. Or mid-teens for that matter.
/LillyRose <3
Saturday, April 12, 2008
I woke up this saturdaymorning....
Feeling Ok, I woke up like 7:30 AM which isn't bad for me, I didn't even need wakeup call, so far I had 2 soft sandwiches (Thank nature I can eat again!) and a glass of milk. I have to be at rehersals at 10 tho, so I only have like an hour left.. So mean, I want a nice quiet weekend of sleeping and jogging to Cradle of Filth, lol. But today is gonna be good, our makeup artist (she also creates ideas for our props and such) is gonna try some makeups on me, see which'll fit my character the best, it'll be fun. And doing my monolouge, I know the whole text now, it feels good. I hope i'll do good, of course I can't compete with my full actor brother or classmates, but I can do something good anyway, our director like my take of the text and yesterday one of our choreographers told me I have a better energy to me than before. I think it's the jogging, it sooths me and I feel better, also I put a more positive outlook on life.
I think i'm gonna post a thinspo pic just for the hell of it, making sure I really go out running tomorrow, since I can't today... And I won't be able to run all next week, AAAH! It's the premiere week which means rehersals 8 in the morning to 8 in the eve. But i'll just have to make sure to not eat so much like I do now. a little less does a lot for me, but never not eat at all, always eat a little to keep the metabolism up! The funny thing is, well, a person with anorexia, sure, they'll drop in weight, but they'd drop even faster if they actually ate and ate tiny meals, lol. But anorexia isn't a weightlossplan, it's a disease. I don't belive that much in pro-ana. I don't think it'll help much but in giving you heartdiseases so you can die earlier.
My fave pic <3
I didn't buy candy, I was just SO close to, but I thought of how proud I could be for resisting. Why do I need something extra over my food intake? I don't, but the cheater I am, I do have diet cola, but it's ok, I mean, less cals than low fat milk, lol. I just hope mum won't buy anything more, she bought chips, and I really REALLY don't want to eat them, I can't let myself do that. So I won't. I will be strong, if I can go this weekend without eating them, i'm gonna be very proud. I <3 my diet cola tho.. I love, love, love it <3 And I love some people, but let's not go there ;) They are.. just for me. Nobody else come near or I'll bite ;)
/Lillita Luv <3
I think i'm gonna post a thinspo pic just for the hell of it, making sure I really go out running tomorrow, since I can't today... And I won't be able to run all next week, AAAH! It's the premiere week which means rehersals 8 in the morning to 8 in the eve. But i'll just have to make sure to not eat so much like I do now. a little less does a lot for me, but never not eat at all, always eat a little to keep the metabolism up! The funny thing is, well, a person with anorexia, sure, they'll drop in weight, but they'd drop even faster if they actually ate and ate tiny meals, lol. But anorexia isn't a weightlossplan, it's a disease. I don't belive that much in pro-ana. I don't think it'll help much but in giving you heartdiseases so you can die earlier.
My fave pic <3I didn't buy candy, I was just SO close to, but I thought of how proud I could be for resisting. Why do I need something extra over my food intake? I don't, but the cheater I am, I do have diet cola, but it's ok, I mean, less cals than low fat milk, lol. I just hope mum won't buy anything more, she bought chips, and I really REALLY don't want to eat them, I can't let myself do that. So I won't. I will be strong, if I can go this weekend without eating them, i'm gonna be very proud. I <3 my diet cola tho.. I love, love, love it <3 And I love some people, but let's not go there ;) They are.. just for me. Nobody else come near or I'll bite ;)
/Lillita Luv <3
Friday, April 11, 2008
Danced today again!
I had a dancinglesson and it went absolutley fabulous! I loved it, I feel great again, I need to stay positive, my life feels so much better when I do. I sit here listneing to Dimmu Borgir - The Promised Future Aeons thanks to a certain manlyness. I like it.
I ran today again, it was so funny, I was scared out of my mind, and then when I was mostly scared, snow fell down from a roof and landed like 1 meter away from me, I litterally jumped and ran for my life, my heart was beating, I have fast reflexes tho, that's good, LOL. And then I started to think of that horrormovie I watched with Donkey and Crow last year. Oh my GOD was I scared then. I hid behind a pillow the whole movie, lol..
Tomorrow is rehersals all day long, potentionally fun, but I don't know.. I hope it'll be.
/Lilita Luv <3
I ran today again, it was so funny, I was scared out of my mind, and then when I was mostly scared, snow fell down from a roof and landed like 1 meter away from me, I litterally jumped and ran for my life, my heart was beating, I have fast reflexes tho, that's good, LOL. And then I started to think of that horrormovie I watched with Donkey and Crow last year. Oh my GOD was I scared then. I hid behind a pillow the whole movie, lol..
Tomorrow is rehersals all day long, potentionally fun, but I don't know.. I hope it'll be.
/Lilita Luv <3
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Jogging back on track!
Jogged again today, ran like hell, and danced. T'was nice. I finally feel like my energy is returning, I feel like the choreographys ain't impossible, it's all about my attitude. I also talked to a classmate today, we used to hang out in first year. She's really nice, I really like her. I will miss them all so much...
/Lillita Luv <3
/Lillita Luv <3
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Stageclothes done
I couldn't run today.. Fucking sucks, I feel fat whenever I don't.. Uck, well, but all my stageclothes are done now, that's good. Not much to wright today, exept the burningwounds in my mouth sting as hell, so I didn't eat much. But it was ok anyways, you know.
/Lilita Luv <3
/Lilita Luv <3
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I beat the snow!
I ran anyways today, felt good, until I came home and realized we only had disgusting filled vegitarian schnizel, I hate filled schnizel. Fucking disgusting foods, so I didn't eat and listened to mother compain about how she tried to do something nice for me and this was the thanks. Well, great, I work out and can't eat, i'll be a walking skeleton anytime soon so you'll have something else to complain about. There is no way to please you.
The roof of my mouth is burnt so badly it bleeds, it stings so badly I can't even drink anything. This is one crappy ending to one happy day. My onstage clothings are almost finished completley, feels good to have it ready, I need to find red converse though, so that's kinda sucky, you know?
Today I ran (as I said from the beginning) but also did my situps and backlifts and whatnot, I hope it'll help, because i'm just.. Feeling gross.. Uck. And the premiere is in 11 days. And my mouth is still bleeding. Fucking hell.
//Lillita Luv <3
The roof of my mouth is burnt so badly it bleeds, it stings so badly I can't even drink anything. This is one crappy ending to one happy day. My onstage clothings are almost finished completley, feels good to have it ready, I need to find red converse though, so that's kinda sucky, you know?
Today I ran (as I said from the beginning) but also did my situps and backlifts and whatnot, I hope it'll help, because i'm just.. Feeling gross.. Uck. And the premiere is in 11 days. And my mouth is still bleeding. Fucking hell.
//Lillita Luv <3
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Fucknuts snow
It's snow outside. FUCKNUTS! I just got started and the fucking snow returns. Well, I hope it melts again soon, because I can't run on a slippery road, I just hope the day is warm and the snow melts away, that'll make me happy.
Updates this later <3
/Lilita Luv <3
-------------------------------------
The snow hasn't melted and I didn't get my fat lazy ass out of the house when I got home from our late rehersal, I feel so gross now.. Eww.. I'm gonna try not to eat anything else tonight.
/Lillita Luv <3
Updates this later <3
/Lilita Luv <3
-------------------------------------
The snow hasn't melted and I didn't get my fat lazy ass out of the house when I got home from our late rehersal, I feel so gross now.. Eww.. I'm gonna try not to eat anything else tonight.
/Lillita Luv <3
Going out for my second round of running
It's a good running day today, I just run and run. I'll go for 6 km today, I wish I'd done 9 instead, but whatever, you know? Lol
I actually forgot to eat today, seriously. I put a breadslice in the toaster and thought "i'll eat it and then run" but I forgot to get it, so I ran out anyway, lol.
I'll update this post later, bye for now, babes!
-------------------------------------------
Update;
I ran the second round, no problems!
And my fooddiary of today, of course;
1 toast
like... not even one fish filé
1 small potatoe
3 glasses of diet cola
That was not much, I know.. But the day was wierd and I forgot to eat, so that was bad.. And then the fish was so gross I couldn't eat it.. It was some kind of shrimps and sauce baked into the fish and it was absolutley disgusting... So after that I got so naucious I couldn't eat..
Anyways, now i'm gonna sleep, it's gonna be nice.
/Lillita Luv <3
I actually forgot to eat today, seriously. I put a breadslice in the toaster and thought "i'll eat it and then run" but I forgot to get it, so I ran out anyway, lol.
I'll update this post later, bye for now, babes!
-------------------------------------------
Update;
I ran the second round, no problems!
And my fooddiary of today, of course;
1 toast
like... not even one fish filé
1 small potatoe
3 glasses of diet cola
That was not much, I know.. But the day was wierd and I forgot to eat, so that was bad.. And then the fish was so gross I couldn't eat it.. It was some kind of shrimps and sauce baked into the fish and it was absolutley disgusting... So after that I got so naucious I couldn't eat..
Anyways, now i'm gonna sleep, it's gonna be nice.
/Lillita Luv <3
Yesterdays craptastic experiences turned a little better
All thanks to wonderful people that pick me up time after time when I fall too far down. Little brother actually got me to eat my dinner, felt nice to eat, actually. Thank you, you know who you are <33
And I talked to other nice people yesterday too, it feels good to be around positive people, even if it's "just" online. It makes me positive and makes me have a more positive outlook. And compliments ain't wrong, lol.
At the moment i'm sitting listening to"The Eminem Show". I seriously haven't listened to it since I was 13 or 14, the first year I got it, I listened to it so much and loved it so much, but I stopped for some reason, and now I listen to it again, lol. I remember I looked pretty sad when I was little, my brothers called me hiphop goth, dressed in hiphop outfits, pale as a corpse, black eyemakeup and dark-red lipstick. Listened to Eminem, Turbonegro, Cradle of Filth mixed up with Christina Aguilera's Fighter and Walk Away. At 14-15; Worked out like hell. Barley ever ate. Dark eyemakeup. Listened to Christina Aguilera exclusivly. Now I listen to a lot. Littlebrother said I had the worlds widest taste in music, a little funny, lol. I am an eyelineraddict. Loves Amy Winehouse. I'm resolving into something better, ain't I?
Todays plan is just to run, work out and rest a little. My knees are killing me, lol. <3
Hmm.. Well, 11:30 this morning, my mum ran into my room screaming at me I needed to clean up, all because she had a dream. Lol. And when I went to bed last night (at 4:15 *deephole*) she came into my room all like "you can't be up this late, it's bad", like I didn't know I should have slept earlier, lol. I knew that, I just got occupied doing more funnier things like watching movies. She wouldn't even have listened, so I didn't bother talking to her about it, LOL. <3
/Lilita Luv <3
And I talked to other nice people yesterday too, it feels good to be around positive people, even if it's "just" online. It makes me positive and makes me have a more positive outlook. And compliments ain't wrong, lol.
At the moment i'm sitting listening to"The Eminem Show". I seriously haven't listened to it since I was 13 or 14, the first year I got it, I listened to it so much and loved it so much, but I stopped for some reason, and now I listen to it again, lol. I remember I looked pretty sad when I was little, my brothers called me hiphop goth, dressed in hiphop outfits, pale as a corpse, black eyemakeup and dark-red lipstick. Listened to Eminem, Turbonegro, Cradle of Filth mixed up with Christina Aguilera's Fighter and Walk Away. At 14-15; Worked out like hell. Barley ever ate. Dark eyemakeup. Listened to Christina Aguilera exclusivly. Now I listen to a lot. Littlebrother said I had the worlds widest taste in music, a little funny, lol. I am an eyelineraddict. Loves Amy Winehouse. I'm resolving into something better, ain't I?
Todays plan is just to run, work out and rest a little. My knees are killing me, lol. <3
Hmm.. Well, 11:30 this morning, my mum ran into my room screaming at me I needed to clean up, all because she had a dream. Lol. And when I went to bed last night (at 4:15 *deephole*) she came into my room all like "you can't be up this late, it's bad", like I didn't know I should have slept earlier, lol. I knew that, I just got occupied doing more funnier things like watching movies. She wouldn't even have listened, so I didn't bother talking to her about it, LOL. <3
/Lilita Luv <3
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Fucknuts
Crappy day, as usual.
Today I ate;
1 glass of juice
1 sandwitch
1½ tomatoebeef
2 tbsp mash
½ muffin
1 toast
1 glass of diet cola
It was Ok.. I ran as usual, did my situps, backlifts, pushups and I stretched.
And then I went to a show a classmate of mine arranged, it was really fun. And I met a lot of people I knew since before.
/Lillita Luv <3
Today I ate;
1 glass of juice
1 sandwitch
1½ tomatoebeef
2 tbsp mash
½ muffin
1 toast
1 glass of diet cola
It was Ok.. I ran as usual, did my situps, backlifts, pushups and I stretched.
And then I went to a show a classmate of mine arranged, it was really fun. And I met a lot of people I knew since before.
/Lillita Luv <3
Blow off steam day
The play is sucking all the fun out of me, so I wrote some emotastic poetry. Or not.
...as I see you reach for me with the worried expression on your face, like you knew these are my last minutes. My body caves in, my internal organs are giving up, one by one, I fall, you hold me up. You know. You try. You don't want to say goodbye.
Ah, screw it, Loves It <3
...as I see you reach for me with the worried expression on your face, like you knew these are my last minutes. My body caves in, my internal organs are giving up, one by one, I fall, you hold me up. You know. You try. You don't want to say goodbye.
Ah, screw it, Loves It <3
Friday, April 4, 2008
Bad again
I feel unloved. Maybe because I am, maybe because i'm not loved, never have been. Nothing in this life is good or happy, because i'm incapable of doing anything good. And who loves imperfection? Nobody, we search for perfection in the other person, but when someone is a failure, what perfection is there to see? Nothing, empty, but full of emotions and soul, which must be concidered bad, emotions lead to actions, actions leads to showing of worse sides of yourself. Imperfection must be fought off, perfection is a must, it's something that's neccessary for survival, most people have some kind of perfection, everybody I know have some kind of perfection, that is what makes them survive, I don't. I don't have a great ability to survive, I don't have perfection. No part of me is perfection, no part of me is close. Eventhough I try. I wish I had something, maybe if I were the pretty girl, it would be at least a little bit better. The pretty and skinny girl is loved, people care, people see, people actually look for, somebody look for, even if it's just one, somebody sees, somebody cares, somebody loves, but this isn't my world, it's the world I want but can't have, the world I belived I could have, the world I belived I was getting. Something better, something to take focus off my life, my past, everything. Maybe searching for the will to live for someone. I don't live alone, I live for someone or not at all. But when you recive hate back, you lose the will anyway.
Perfection is the only way, nobody wants to die from the beginning, who wants to be buried six feet under with maggots eating them up, who wants to be burned to ashes? Not me.
Perfection is the only way, nobody wants to die from the beginning, who wants to be buried six feet under with maggots eating them up, who wants to be burned to ashes? Not me.
Is my dancing days over?
I don't know right now, I wanted to learn really bad but i've fell so deep, I can't even remember a choreography, our fantastic teacher belives in it's all in my head, she tells me I can do it, but I don't know, I just feel worthless, a loser with tiny feet. It sounds funny but I guarantee it isn't, it's not good for the balance to have shoesize 35 when you're 1,66 and have short toes. I fall a lot.
We started off with two hours of dancing this morning, but I just couldn't do it, I had already changed my clothes, but I just couldn't, I had a total breakdown and I was freezing with 2 sweaters and my winterjacket, when that happens you know there's something wrong, I just felt totally like I'm in the way, the other girls are great dancers and they expresses the right feeling, they know the choreography, I just don't look good while dancing, I look like I were just pulled in there by mistake, I don't do the right moves and I don't have the same grace as they have and as I should have.
Nobody's angel
We started off with two hours of dancing this morning, but I just couldn't do it, I had already changed my clothes, but I just couldn't, I had a total breakdown and I was freezing with 2 sweaters and my winterjacket, when that happens you know there's something wrong, I just felt totally like I'm in the way, the other girls are great dancers and they expresses the right feeling, they know the choreography, I just don't look good while dancing, I look like I were just pulled in there by mistake, I don't do the right moves and I don't have the same grace as they have and as I should have.
Nobody's angelI feel so fat today, so swollen and disgusting. Well, that's because I am, but I wish I didn't have to feel it. My neck is totally swollen for some reason, I don't know why, and i'm feeling colder than usual, I get chills constantly, I chop teeth indoors. That's sucky. I need to take a nap or something and then head out running, I need to continue running, I need to get skinny. I'm not skinny - so i'm fat, that's how my body works. I'm either or, there's no inbetween, if I could look hot without being skinny, I would go for that, but I couldn't be. I'm so freakishly disgusting, I am talking from 12 years of experience of being told. I wish i'd realized it earlier, but I just kept my childish view of what I were, but it's true, no guy wants a fat girlfriend.
I wish I had the beauty of her
I wish I had the beauty of herMe and a friend walked around in the city for a while, just strolled around, I actually bought muffins, I already regret it, because I know i'm fat and weak so i'll probably eat. As if the food wasn't bad enouge, well, i'll have to make the best of it then. Drink a lot of water, mineral water and lowfat milk. And not that much food, I need to cut down on it. I'm gonna be gaining instead of losing if I don't get a grip soon, i'll be treating myself to something better than any food when I reach my goal, that is if I can afford it, I really, really wish I do.
Today at lunch we had the mustard potatoesalad like yesterday, also some vegitarian pie, it was pretty ok. And also a wallmobread of course, and lowfat milk, I wish they served the 0,1% milk too, they only serve the 0,5% now.. But I guess it's ok. I love milk anyway, it's almost better than diet cola... unfortunatley contains more calories, so.. that's bad. I wish it didn't. I kinda wish I wake up one day and i'm skinny and all of this is just a nightmare, like i'm waking up and i'm naturally skinny and I look good and this thing was all in my head, it was all a dream. Me being ugly and disgusting was all a horrible nightmare. I would miss the fun times I had, but those times are over, so what does it matter?
I actually MPI'ed this one, pretty crappy though, I know.
Today at lunch we had the mustard potatoesalad like yesterday, also some vegitarian pie, it was pretty ok. And also a wallmobread of course, and lowfat milk, I wish they served the 0,1% milk too, they only serve the 0,5% now.. But I guess it's ok. I love milk anyway, it's almost better than diet cola... unfortunatley contains more calories, so.. that's bad. I wish it didn't. I kinda wish I wake up one day and i'm skinny and all of this is just a nightmare, like i'm waking up and i'm naturally skinny and I look good and this thing was all in my head, it was all a dream. Me being ugly and disgusting was all a horrible nightmare. I would miss the fun times I had, but those times are over, so what does it matter?
I actually MPI'ed this one, pretty crappy though, I know.Well, what to say, what to say.. I don't have much else to wright at the moment, nothing that isn't already obvious, my nick is Lillita Luv, should have been changed to Lillita Unloved. But whatever, I lived this way for a long time, but I don't want to anymore, yada, yada, yada.. Nothing too unusual. I'm just gonna rest now and then go out for a run.
Love ya'll sexy bitches <3 /LillyRose aka Lillita Luv
-----------------------------------------
Update;
My short nap turned out to be a 3½ hour cinderella sleep, lol. I'm in a very much better mood now. Now food and run up next!
/Lillita Luv <3
Love ya'll sexy bitches <3 /LillyRose aka Lillita Luv
-----------------------------------------
Update;
My short nap turned out to be a 3½ hour cinderella sleep, lol. I'm in a very much better mood now. Now food and run up next!
/Lillita Luv <3
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Update: After working out
I ran today again as I said I would, 3 km run, around 6o-100 situps and about 30-40 backlifts and 20 pushups. Felt good. It was fog outside today again, it feels great to run in the fog because it means it's a little chilly which is good, because I get chilled down while I run which gives me more and more energy, kinda funny to run in the fog while listening to "Her ghost in the fog" too, lol.
Lisa will be skinny
These are just some random pictures with me discussing the subject.
I <3 these type of cartoons, they are so cute. It's kinda really emo, but I like it anyways.
Old me, I hate old me, but that's why i'm changing myself into something so much better, I was smoking waterpipe at the pic btw. I'm getting slimmer, it's all good, it's what I have to look forward to.
I could talk about funny humor, but I won't, lol. I will talk about my cats, I have many of them, and they are all the worlds cutest cuddliest cats ever. Exept that they run away all the time, they are kinda anti-social at times. Kinda bipolar, first you scratch them behind their ears and they are very social and the next second they jump down and run for no reason. One of the cats actually ran into a door once - and it was closed the whole time.
I saw "The Shining" three times, I fell asleep the two last times. I also saw "The Shinning" where Homer tries to kill Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie (but they get saved by the TV) in a similar story, only funnier.
/Lilita Luv <3
Lisa will be skinnyThese are just some random pictures with me discussing the subject.
I <3 these type of cartoons, they are so cute. It's kinda really emo, but I like it anyways.Old me, I hate old me, but that's why i'm changing myself into something so much better, I was smoking waterpipe at the pic btw. I'm getting slimmer, it's all good, it's what I have to look forward to.I could talk about funny humor, but I won't, lol. I will talk about my cats, I have many of them, and they are all the worlds cutest cuddliest cats ever. Exept that they run away all the time, they are kinda anti-social at times. Kinda bipolar, first you scratch them behind their ears and they are very social and the next second they jump down and run for no reason. One of the cats actually ran into a door once - and it was closed the whole time.I saw "The Shining" three times, I fell asleep the two last times. I also saw "The Shinning" where Homer tries to kill Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie (but they get saved by the TV) in a similar story, only funnier./Lilita Luv <3
Good day until I came home
The day started off very sleepy (talked on the phone for waaay too long last night, lol, gotta change that, although I rather talk on the phone than go to school, lol) yet productive, I wrote the law and order thing in my first class and our teacher had a teachingstudent visiting (he looked pretty good) and I came up with intelligent answers. Next up was a 2 hour (!) break, I would have had a meeting at 10:15, but I thought that wasn't until next wednesday, but apparently.. I was just listening to some Dimmu Borgir and reading the second essay Mr. Persnickety brought to me, I was unfortunatley too sleepy to understand most of it, but it brought up some stuff I was proud to already be familliar with, such as Leterme being the leader now. Next up we had the Swedish lesson of the day, I almost fell asleep as usual, seriously, i'm not gonna pass my national exam, but screw it, I don't feel like driving myself mentally insain because of a stupid test, I asked for help and support a long time ago, apparently it's difficult to provide it because I am me, and I don't need to be helped, selfharming is completley normal, of course. No worries there.
When we finally got out of the class (which I actually managed to hear most of, though) I went for lunch, a little bit of mustard potatoesalad with a pancake with some kind of jelly for desert, a wallmobread with this butter that was homemade (tasted like nuts, not the manly kind, the walnutty kind) and 0,5% milk. That was a lot. But people were complaining again, "are you already full? You barley ate!" and so on.. I can't eat much, i'll look gross.. But it's ok, they do it out of concern, but it isn't funny when they always think it would be something wrong, nothing's wrong, it's really right to be honest, I have control, I don't let it slip so i'll be obsessed with the food or working out or so, it's not my thing, it ain't gonna happen, i'm just gonna keep this up and see my weight drop like a rock thrown out of an airplane.
I'll be skinny, I'll be hot, I'll be this.
After lunch I went to the dentist, she complimented my teeth, no cavitys or problems at all, I just need to continue as I always do, I was really nervous due to I have vomit so much when I was sick, I was afraid it effected my teeth, but apparently not, although she gave me a babybrush for my teeth (one of those tiny once you buy for babies for their first tooth) so my teeth will be even better, whiter and I'll have a great big, shiny white smile. I'm lucky, I really am. I have great teeth, I had 3 cavitys in my whole lifetime, nobody else in my class had less than that. I got some fluor rinse too, although I do not need it anymore, but just for good, plus, I have 4 more rounds of it free, hopefully i'll go to the dentist again this year, because next year I have to start paying.. *sigh* We kids really don't understand how lucky we are, the year we turn 20 we are concidered grownups here in Sweden which means;
And i'm sure loads of other things that I have no idea of...
I went into city for a while (well, this must be the smallest "city" ever tho, lol, no Stockholm atleast) and I bought new earplugs for when I run, because I usually wear my huge headphones, but it's really irritating doing that. The 30+ guy was very nice to me, if they ever break all I have to do is go over there and cry a little and show the reciept and they'll all melt and he'll exchange them, LOL. Then I just strolled around goalless for a while and then went to wait for the bus.
I got back from school to realize our teacher was away on the fashionshow, she was dancing there. But it went to hell anyways, I can't do the choreographys anymore, i'm no dancer, i'll never be a dancer, I wish I could be good at it, I wish I could be worth more than just something to look on, but I can't. And barley that. I will be. I may not have a pretty face, but at least I can fix my body.
I got home, finally! I took a few pictures and then went online, that's when I started to feel a little sucky, but I got over it, I mean, why should I feel bad when I have this will of steel and I know I will be skinny if I just get my ass out of this house. I just had some dinner, 2 wholemeal toasts with cayenne and kidneybean casserole, tasted great as usual. Mum gave me a little bit of the easterdrinks that were left, but it's ok, I lived a pretty good life today, but I really need to get myself to do situps today too, I really need to work out more, but i'll do it gradually, shocking your body will only make you strain something, gradually i'll extend my workout and i'll feel so much more energy for other things too.
This is all I have so far, i'll probably update this post when I have been out, but for now, I just wanted to show some of my old signatures, pretty funny, bloodhound gang themed, the good old days when I was addicted to Evil Jared and wanted his babies or something, lol.
Stupid sig + Stupid ava <3
What do you guys think about my amazing graphic skills? lol
/Lillita Luv
When we finally got out of the class (which I actually managed to hear most of, though) I went for lunch, a little bit of mustard potatoesalad with a pancake with some kind of jelly for desert, a wallmobread with this butter that was homemade (tasted like nuts, not the manly kind, the walnutty kind) and 0,5% milk. That was a lot. But people were complaining again, "are you already full? You barley ate!" and so on.. I can't eat much, i'll look gross.. But it's ok, they do it out of concern, but it isn't funny when they always think it would be something wrong, nothing's wrong, it's really right to be honest, I have control, I don't let it slip so i'll be obsessed with the food or working out or so, it's not my thing, it ain't gonna happen, i'm just gonna keep this up and see my weight drop like a rock thrown out of an airplane.
I'll be skinny, I'll be hot, I'll be this.After lunch I went to the dentist, she complimented my teeth, no cavitys or problems at all, I just need to continue as I always do, I was really nervous due to I have vomit so much when I was sick, I was afraid it effected my teeth, but apparently not, although she gave me a babybrush for my teeth (one of those tiny once you buy for babies for their first tooth) so my teeth will be even better, whiter and I'll have a great big, shiny white smile. I'm lucky, I really am. I have great teeth, I had 3 cavitys in my whole lifetime, nobody else in my class had less than that. I got some fluor rinse too, although I do not need it anymore, but just for good, plus, I have 4 more rounds of it free, hopefully i'll go to the dentist again this year, because next year I have to start paying.. *sigh* We kids really don't understand how lucky we are, the year we turn 20 we are concidered grownups here in Sweden which means;
- We are allowed to buy harder liquor (such as... Jäääger..mmmmmm, lol)
- We have to pay for dental care
And i'm sure loads of other things that I have no idea of...
I went into city for a while (well, this must be the smallest "city" ever tho, lol, no Stockholm atleast) and I bought new earplugs for when I run, because I usually wear my huge headphones, but it's really irritating doing that. The 30+ guy was very nice to me, if they ever break all I have to do is go over there and cry a little and show the reciept and they'll all melt and he'll exchange them, LOL. Then I just strolled around goalless for a while and then went to wait for the bus.
I got back from school to realize our teacher was away on the fashionshow, she was dancing there. But it went to hell anyways, I can't do the choreographys anymore, i'm no dancer, i'll never be a dancer, I wish I could be good at it, I wish I could be worth more than just something to look on, but I can't. And barley that. I will be. I may not have a pretty face, but at least I can fix my body.
My beautiful Christina <3
I got home, finally! I took a few pictures and then went online, that's when I started to feel a little sucky, but I got over it, I mean, why should I feel bad when I have this will of steel and I know I will be skinny if I just get my ass out of this house. I just had some dinner, 2 wholemeal toasts with cayenne and kidneybean casserole, tasted great as usual. Mum gave me a little bit of the easterdrinks that were left, but it's ok, I lived a pretty good life today, but I really need to get myself to do situps today too, I really need to work out more, but i'll do it gradually, shocking your body will only make you strain something, gradually i'll extend my workout and i'll feel so much more energy for other things too.
This is all I have so far, i'll probably update this post when I have been out, but for now, I just wanted to show some of my old signatures, pretty funny, bloodhound gang themed, the good old days when I was addicted to Evil Jared and wanted his babies or something, lol.
Stupid sig + Stupid ava <3They suck! Lol <3
What do you guys think about my amazing graphic skills? lol
/Lillita Luv
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Another day of running
Beautiful, foggy weather outside now.
First half of the day was school as usual, I got some of my onstage clothes started, the half tank (like a tanktop, but no boobage protection... I won't be flashing tho, lol. I will use tape to make sure my clothes stay on.) I will have over the corset and the ballerinaskirt, I still have the skanky skirt left tho.. Final goal is that I will have a supershort skirt, skincolored tights and kneesocks.. I still need to find a pair of red fake converse tho..
I came home, watched some HSOD and then took a short, short nap before I changed and went out for a run in the thick fog, it was amazing, lol. The nature was so beautiful, the fog laying over the trees and meadows like the earth was sleeping, everything is quiet and a little sad, but so beautiful.
I think i'm in bad shape though, it's not critically bad, but it should be so much better, I always run in interwalls but I couldn't run the longest part, but i'll get there, last summer I was in amazing shape and i'll easily get back to that, but this time i'm gonna weigh a LOT less, I hope i'll drop the same amount this summer, it'd be great, diffirence between me last summer and now is pretty huge, - 12 kilos, I hope i'll lose around 18-23 more kilos, i'd look great I think. Maybe not if I lost 23, but at least -18 kilos, i'd look amazing.
I can feel my shoulders much better through my skin now, I always drop from shoulders first, lol. Feels good to finally be up and running again, I feel amazing and I... don't look it, but I will, sooner or later.
^ I need to look like this ^
Love ya'll, babes <333 Especially some of you.
//Lillita Luv <3
First half of the day was school as usual, I got some of my onstage clothes started, the half tank (like a tanktop, but no boobage protection... I won't be flashing tho, lol. I will use tape to make sure my clothes stay on.) I will have over the corset and the ballerinaskirt, I still have the skanky skirt left tho.. Final goal is that I will have a supershort skirt, skincolored tights and kneesocks.. I still need to find a pair of red fake converse tho..
I came home, watched some HSOD and then took a short, short nap before I changed and went out for a run in the thick fog, it was amazing, lol. The nature was so beautiful, the fog laying over the trees and meadows like the earth was sleeping, everything is quiet and a little sad, but so beautiful.
I think i'm in bad shape though, it's not critically bad, but it should be so much better, I always run in interwalls but I couldn't run the longest part, but i'll get there, last summer I was in amazing shape and i'll easily get back to that, but this time i'm gonna weigh a LOT less, I hope i'll drop the same amount this summer, it'd be great, diffirence between me last summer and now is pretty huge, - 12 kilos, I hope i'll lose around 18-23 more kilos, i'd look great I think. Maybe not if I lost 23, but at least -18 kilos, i'd look amazing.
I can feel my shoulders much better through my skin now, I always drop from shoulders first, lol. Feels good to finally be up and running again, I feel amazing and I... don't look it, but I will, sooner or later.
^ I need to look like this ^
Love ya'll, babes <333 Especially some of you.
//Lillita Luv <3
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Skinny = Loved?
Apparently...
Skinny people always have somebody special, fat people rarley, very fucking rarley do. So does this mean i'll be lonley for the rest of my fucking life? Not if I have something to say about it.
But don't starve, it fucks up your metabolism for life, I will eat less and a lot better, that'll help. I look disgusting. Less carbs, more protein, less fat, more fiber. Beauty means all now It's sick but true. I wished for one thing, and I couldn't even get that.
If I only had an amazing talent, but I don't. I just co-exists with the world but i'm not a part of it because i'm not beautiful. I can't be good, I can't be talanted, I can't be beautiful, the least I can be is skinny.
And some people have told me "you don't look gross, you look beautiful", but those are the people who wouldn't even touch me or come near me in any way. And the people who are here with me doesn't think I am. Pictures lie, they always lie, my makeup is what saves my face and the world from traumatic syndrome.
A beautiful face would have saved me, but I wasn't born to be. I wait for the day can see my ribs clearly.
Skinny people always have somebody special, fat people rarley, very fucking rarley do. So does this mean i'll be lonley for the rest of my fucking life? Not if I have something to say about it.
But don't starve, it fucks up your metabolism for life, I will eat less and a lot better, that'll help. I look disgusting. Less carbs, more protein, less fat, more fiber. Beauty means all now It's sick but true. I wished for one thing, and I couldn't even get that.
If I only had an amazing talent, but I don't. I just co-exists with the world but i'm not a part of it because i'm not beautiful. I can't be good, I can't be talanted, I can't be beautiful, the least I can be is skinny.
And some people have told me "you don't look gross, you look beautiful", but those are the people who wouldn't even touch me or come near me in any way. And the people who are here with me doesn't think I am. Pictures lie, they always lie, my makeup is what saves my face and the world from traumatic syndrome.
A beautiful face would have saved me, but I wasn't born to be. I wait for the day can see my ribs clearly.
Day in my life.. the new daytime soap.
Day started with school, production from 8-15.30, a little fun today actually. After that I went home, jogged for the first time since last winder, t'was nice, daily habbit - welcome back, yaaay! It got me in a little bit of a good mood, after that it was time for an experimental concert, it was an.. experience i'll never forget. Lol.
This happened;
20 minutes of poetry which I fell asleep during and had an abrupt wakeup when some kind of wierd sound came out of the speakers. then there were two musicians that played very experimental music.. I fell asleep. I woke up. I fell asleep. I woke up. Then during the 30 minute break/30 minute complainotime he "headliners" came onstage and played. Unfortunatley I could not stop laughing so I left after 10 minutes.
Interesting day.
/Lillita Luv <333
This happened;
20 minutes of poetry which I fell asleep during and had an abrupt wakeup when some kind of wierd sound came out of the speakers. then there were two musicians that played very experimental music.. I fell asleep. I woke up. I fell asleep. I woke up. Then during the 30 minute break/30 minute complainotime he "headliners" came onstage and played. Unfortunatley I could not stop laughing so I left after 10 minutes.
Interesting day.
/Lillita Luv <333
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