I'm sinking back into depression and I don't know why. It's not the black pit it used to be, it's more of an overshadowing of all my amazing people, moments and places. However, the outcome is the same, sleepless, restless, suicidal, self-injuring, anabulimic, crying, longing, sometimes I fall into a katatonic state for minutes before I realize someone is talking to me or the baby is trying to get my attention.
I pretend to be happy, like I pretended in 2008.
All this pretense isn't good for recovery, it isn't good for my health or for my relations, but M is forcing me to keep it in. Fuck it, I will say it as it is; He is a prick and he doesn't love me, because if he did he would support me through every feeling. He would hug me when I cry, not turn around and yell at me.
Fuck you, man. Honestly.
I try to make it about my body, inside my head I think; This would not be happening if I was still a size 36. But it would. But f-cking Gabby won't shut the fuck up in my head about it, she's going on and on; You're a size 42, disgusting POS. Four sizes bigger than pre-baby. You can't get your 29'ers over your fat ass and have to wear 32'ers. You can't see your collarbones, your ribs are covered with fat, you're eating up money you could spend on your child! Gabby, just shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! I hate when I let It get into my head. I let It, I'm over It, why do I surrender the power to It?
This was one of my best days. Surrounded by friends. And Gabby says "and you weren't fat!"
Fuck Gabby, fuck M, fuck every person that wants to make me feel like I used to. You are all going to suffer, I assure you. Karma is the mother of bitches and bites you back like a crazed Rottie. I'll sit back and wait, you'll get yours....
/Lixi
