You can be such an ASSHOLE!

You choose to comment random girls, while I send you 100+ pictures and all you say is "thanks", STOP AND THINK FOR A FUCKING MOMENT! Doesn't it seem kinda wrong to you? If it doesn't, then I totally misjudged you. And so did my entire family. I hope this behaviour will change because I can't live with someone like that and if I can't live with you I'll be a priviledged dead.





/Lilita Luv

My height is killing me

For fuck sake, I can't stand my fucking height anymore. Just because I'm not perfect I'm being told that I'm "bitter". You cunt, you're supposed to be by my side! He, my own he would never admitt that he wants me to be so much shorter, I know he does, it's way cuter to be short, he wants his girls to be tiny, he just don't want to make me sad but I see right through him, I know what he wants and I don't cut it, my outside isn't ok for him.





It's not fair, why do I have to live through this shit without even looking good, they say that beauty doesn't solve problems, well, neither do being ugly.

This isn't something I want. It's something I need.

/Lilita Luv

Being the last resort for your friends

You ever known what it's like? People don't like you because you refuse to point and laugh at people and say shit that ain't true about the weaker people. Just because I'm a more worthy human being than them, they don't like you. Even with your friends, you're the "last resort" because there are more fun people to be with. Nobody ever calls nor contact you, the phone is quiet and the inbox is empty, is this what it's like growing up? I've been an adult all my life, then.




Truth in the matter of fact is I've been a bad person today, I felt like shit all day because I can't be like her. Truth hurts, doesn't it? It's things that can not be changed, like I could ever be as tiny. That's what matters to me, does it look like I give a fuck about anything else? I not only want but need to be that small for my baby or I'm a mean person. I'm already too old, like that little remark about how "hot it'd be if you were seventeen" is like another razor. I want my razor. But I see him hurt if I get hurt, if I'm dead, I won't see him in pain. It's building up towards it because I can't get any peace, the worms are talking to me and they are being crude, worse than they've ever been. It was hope, now it's dead like the skin that crusts up when I love crosses.





I love my cross, I love it. It's nice and sharp and it leaves a soaring sensation when it's crusted up my skin, the lower arms are covered in little pieces of dead skin and red lines and it doesn't even bleed, it's like I don't have any blood, it's just skin and somebody painted veins on it. And now they paint more and more veins on me, all over me, even in my face. Like see-through. I'm turning invisible, my skin is the first to be see through, maybe one day I will walk around and everybody only see my skeleton, ugh, I don't want that. Gross.

________________________________

I exercised today, it was 50 minutes of running, biking and that swing thing and lots of strength, my arms will be a lot stronger now, so will my back. It was nice, very nice. But it won't make me any shorter or smaller. I want to be so light he can lift me up without any problem, I want to be so short that when I stand next to him I can't even reach up to him, I want to be so small I'm almost 1/4 of his size. But I can't. No surgery in the world can make me look smaller and cuter without looking like an alien with short legs.

Could a body close the mind out
Stitch a seam across the eye
If you can be good, you’ll live forever
If you’re bad, you’ll die when you die

Hearing only one true note
On the one and only sound
Unzip my body
Take my heart out

Goodnight
/Lilita Luv

Sick of being the outsider

Seriously, I'm always on the outside in the cold while all these people are inside having fun, it's all my childhood, please let me go back and be the little child I once was, I don't want to be here now. It's no hope for anything anymore, like walking in an endless tunnel, you vision the light to lead you out but it isn't there, like running on a treadmill. You get all worked up, but you ain't going nowhere.

Let me in for fuck sake!

/Lilita Luv

Missed working out today

Had to finish an assignment =( =(

Sooo sad about that, but whatever... I'm gonna go to bed now in a minute, I just wanted to wright because I feel so bad and I need to vent it out now.

The issue at the moment:

I feel so fucking insecure, it's the fucking comparison thing again, how can I hold up against all these chicks, he can tell me the same thing over and over again but it doesn't sink in. I know why tho, the same thing lingers in my head, the same sentence. "Love isn't about personality. It's a mixture of looks and personality. I couldn't love someone that I didn't find attractive". Well, i'm not the hottest one around, there are girls around him, millions times hotter and I can't even take hearing him talk about another female. Of course he has a passed, I'm not mad at him for having that, i'm mad at him for keeping signs of it and for pretending like nothing just to keep in close touch with a specific person in question. I don't want to do that anymore. I wanna take off my uniform and leave this show I put on. And it brings so many questions, is he feeling something for that girl and if not, why keeping that thing? It wasn't like I was looking for anything, I put the virus search on and I downloaded an audio I wanted to listen to, but I saved it in the wrong folder, so I clicked open that folder to move it and the file name said it all, I didn't eat that day and when I did, I vomit. I couldn't stand to have anything in my stomach after knowing that, I know her, I like her, so does he... And all those times he talked about her, what the fuck was that? Close friends, yea, right.... How many of them did he do the same thing with? I look around and I'm scared, as soon as another female is there I'm positive he had something to do with her and it makes me sick over and over again. Maybe that's why I can't eat anymore.

Fucking damn hell ass.

Why can't I be you, homegurl?

These are the times I wish I actually did the drugs, I haven't felt like doing cocaine since last christmas, and to be honest it isn't his fault, it's mine, I shouldn't have touched the computer even though I was allowed to, I should have isolated myself because I know I can't handle anything with that. I have no problem with ex gfs, but I don't want to witness anything of what they used to do and she wasn't an ex or anything. Damn hell ass. My fault. It is. I spent last night crying myself to sleep, not only because of that, but I miss granny. It's fucking hard to imagine, she's not alive, her remains are in a cold grave deep in the ground. I'm never going to talk to her again, she isn't going to sit in the chair this year, being thankful for all the gifts saying "I'm so thankful for this year, I don't think I'll be here next year.". She's really gone forever and she isn't coming back, she was so small and fragile. I never want anybody else to die, I want to live forever with everybody in my life.

I'd love to look like you <3

I'm not welcome in dad's house anymore, apparently. I was supposed to hang out at his house a little while after but was told to "Clear out before his wife gets home". So, she doesn't like me? I got news for this bitch, I lived in that house a LOT longer than she did. Just because she's committed to him on a paper, that doesn't make her more important than me, I'm his daughter, I'm actually related to him. I can understand why he don't want me to be alone with her, he wants to be able to back up if she gets psycho. She needs to get help and realize I should be welcome there anytime. I take care of myself.


Lots of issues, peace out, my lovelies <3
/Lilita Luv

What is it with men and tits?

It's like some kind of sickness, do they even realize they adore fat? That's disgusting! I'd rather have my boney figure than have fat like that, it makes me physically sick and I'm not going to work to have an ass, I'm not going to buy a pair of tits. It's adoring fat and it's gross. They think it's disgusting with fat people yet they adore fat themselves.



Come on, seriously, men. You want your girl to be skinny, then all of a sudden you want her to gain all this gross fat? Decide NOW. Either you want her skinny or you want her to have fatty parts like tits or ass. There's no in between. And I know what I want and it for sure isn't that.



So, you don't like to hear this? Just don't read it, then. I'm just telling the truth out of my point of view. I don't want to have sick fat, i'd rather be a skinny stick than a slimmed chick with fatty parts.



What kind of ideal is this? Come on! A regular girl doesn't look like that. Skinny people don't have big asses and they don't have big tits. Don't try to force people to look like this, there are people putting themselves through surgerys and working out just to look like that. You think I'm bad who prefers to not have that? Look at yourself. No regular girl looks like this before surgery. Let people be!




I had to fire the total opposite to make you people realize how sick this is. I don't mind people want to look like this, but don't threat and say you don't find skinny chicks as attractive. That'll cause pain only for you as I leave. Because I'm not going to take shit from someone who adores fat when I don't.

//Lillita Luv

I work out again!

I start on 6 days a week, cardio ^^ It's going great and I ain't gonna stop!

I'll be skinnier

/Lillita Luv

The dark and quiet place

There is a place in some peoples minds, a dark and almost dead place it can feel like, when we live in that place we can't grow anything, everything we put in the ground dies. The point is that this place isn't dead, it's the light. It's gone. It needs to be regained. What happens when the sun comes back? We put a little flower in the ground and it gets water from the darkness and sun from the light. I talked to someone about this yesterday and I realized I'm still lost eventhough I believe I'm not.

But I can't stay lost, I need to be un-lost. I need to help myself.