The hate list...

I tried to fix another list, what does Lillita actually like about herself? I came up empty. I spent the past half-hour posting in my swedish blog and i'm tired. I'm really tired. Tired of being constantly in comparison with these amazingly hot women who have their own makeup artists and most of all - have actual talent. What do I have? I can't even do a job. It would be the easy way out to die, so let's just skip that. But one thing is for sure, i'm not gonna stay alive being a disgustingly big person with bigger bonestructure than most. If that comes up - there's no doubt in the world. All I ever wanted was to be a beautiful person that could awaken some kind of attraction, instead I ended up being the alltime loser. I blinded and tricked a man and now he's still with me but the question is, when will he realize i'm nothing, because I am nothing. He could easily get anybody and I can't have anybody but him. I weigh too much and if I lose weight just to realize I have disgusting wide hips and gross wide shoulders - that's death. that's when I know I was brought here to die. It's the easiest explanation, some people are born to die and I was one of them. People talk about how they don't have the physical strength to listen to this - I don't have the physical strength to LIVE in this, ok? And still I have to. Maybe I should have died from the beginning. There were so many opportunitys in my life where death was close, maybe i've just escaped it so far. I wonder how much longer I will escape it.

If I can't be like this, then I can't live, it's just a fact.
I don't have a pretty face or a nice body
and if I can have neither - i'm dead.

There are surely so many people out there who know what I feel, you feel it too every single day, the lust to hurt yourself because you can't be pretty enouge, not skinny enouge and you definitly can not compare to these hot celebs around you. I'm not trying to bring anybody else down here with me because this quiet place is as vile as violence, it's like someone is abusing me mentally but the abuser is me and nobody else. I can't charge myself and I can't stop the abuse because I can't control it. How am I supposed to react when the closest person to me talk about how hot this or this girl is, those people can do things to him without even being near that not even I can do. Does anybody even think that could ever make me feel good? I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF and I wish nobody else EVER have to be like me. I wouldn't ever give birth to a child because I don't want to bring forward my disgusting looks and horrible personality, I would be a horrible person to force someone to live through what I do.

Let me be you, i'd do anything.
You're all I ever wanted to be.

I can't deal anymore. He freaked out over my scars, how do I break it to him that there's an unlimited supply of them coming up because nothing seems to help. And before anybody screams "professional help", I tried that. Those "professionals" sent me to a gymnast and told me to walk in circles and clap rythms. I hate myself - it's not like I don't know how to keep a rythm. What is this, kindergarden? How is that going to stop me from cutting. Now, the best part; When I told about the cutting, this woman suggests to me "well, why don't you just stop and find something else?". And the psychologist I was sent to was constantly trying to provote me which resulted in more self-hate and cutting. He questioned if I was able to do a simple job! I'm not reaching to be a fucking rocket scientist, I just want to work in a regular grocerystore, nothing else, is that unreachable for me too? I can't have a job, I can't have a pretty face, I can't have a decent body, I can't have a great personality, I can't attract people like I should. I'm a fat blob with a fugly face who wishes I could be all those things. I wish the story had a better ending, but I gues not. I'll keep on trying to be pretty but in the end I have to realize the faliure and cave in and die. There is no room for ugly people on this planet - they made that clear for me.

/Lillita Luv

Sick - for real, as in snot, coughing and soar throat

I've gotten sick, my baby gave me the germs. Sweet germs because I got them from him. I'm all stuffed up and my throat is slighty soar and I sound funny when I talk. My vision goes kinda in and out and my food is just right to hell, I had homemade ovenfries today. AND ice cream. This is disgustingly bad... Damn.. I keep on with my thinspo and whatnot tho, I made some vids:





First one is a sexy weightloss motivational video with girls who are sexy and skinny, second is just pictures of girls who are nice and skinny.

I set up ultimate and partial goals in my weighloss;

1) Down to 132 lbs/60 kilos
2) Down to 121 lbs/55 kilos
3) Down to 110 lbs/50 kilos
Ultimate weight; 99 lbs/45 kilos

I think it's ok, it's little by little, it'll take months but it can happen, just 5 kilos a time, it's better that way. I had someone tell me that 110 lbs/50 kilos was enouge, but I don't think so.. I'm not going to be all crazy tho, if I look hot by then, i'll stop there. My fave inspiration at the moment is adult actress Hillary Scott (who's in the first video). Her arms and legs are really skinny and she's really cute (well, despite what she does, she have a cute face. If you removed the fact she's in porn she'd be perfect!).


And here's something for the girls out there who wants to gain weight!

It's a so-called curvespo :)


And now for me; Inspiration!














Lillita Luv's y'all! <3 <3 <3
/Lillita Luv

I might be sick, but....

I'm not going to follow the footsteps of the rest of dad's side, I don't want to be obese, overweight, nothing. I want to be lean and I want to have the body everybody else wants, nobody ever envied me for anything and I wish I could feel that for once. Just for once, i'd like to have something nobody else did. Now i'm just regular and boring... I wrote a list with my flaws, I just needed to get them out.


Nose - It's too long and it should be slimmer and straighter
Chin - it isn't in proportion to my nose, it should stick out a little more for a balanced profile
Shape of face - I wish it was slimmer and more heartshaped
Forehead - I have the alien syndrome
Eyes - Too small, nice color though I wish they were lighter and more shock blue
Skin - One word; Terrible
Eyebrows - Nice slim shape, but located too low
Arms - Too fat
Legs - Too fat and cellulite is killing me from the inside, I scrub them bloody and it doesn't help.
Body in general - Too fat and my vains show too much, like my skin would be see through and not only the important like the once in my wrists. I can see bloodvessels under my skin around my ribcage.
Feet - Too wide
Hands - Not slim enouge fingers, they should be slimmer and longer
Tits - just horrible, too small, wierd shaped, nipples are a fucking MESS! Not in proportion to my body
Wrists - too fat
Ears - They always look wierd somehow, but they are nicely sized and they have a good angle.
Hair - In progress, not platinum enouge
Hips - Way too wide. One word; Disgusting.
Cheeks - Too fat
Ass - Nothing good to say about it
Back - I try to stand up straight, but I can't hold it that way plus the area around ribcage is fat and disgusting.
Shoulders - Too wide
Height - Too tall with the unflattering weight, a fucking hippo, I look huge.



I'd rather be penciled shape than this disgusting mess, it needs to die. It's one of the worst bodytypes ever brought into this world, at least a fat chick can diet and have a small figure, but I can never do that. It's like a punishment for being me - i'll always be gross, I can't make my shoulders more narrow, I can't make the hip area more narrow, I can't narrow down my feet, I can't be shorter, My ears will always look wierd and my back never turn out good, no matter how much I work out, even when I weighed my least it wasn't good. To maximize what I have I need to hit the golden number 45 and I need my skin to grow thicker in some way, laser maybe? Nose and tits are fixable, almost at least, so is my chin. But I have to live with the disgusting Rhitard forehead.

I absolutley hate myself - deal with it.

Thinspo. This girl in the first pic is perfect

Lost weight

I don't eat after six and I work out


Todays food;
2 glasses of sugarfree o'boy
2 toastis
1 glass of diet coke

That's all!