Sleepless

Sleepless in Seattle Stockholm.

I'm sinking back into depression and I don't know why. It's not the black pit it used to be, it's more of an overshadowing of all my amazing people, moments and places. However, the outcome is the same, sleepless, restless, suicidal, self-injuring, anabulimic, crying, longing, sometimes I fall into a katatonic state for minutes before I realize someone is talking to me or the baby is trying to get my attention.

I pretend to be happy, like I pretended in 2008.

All this pretense isn't good for recovery, it isn't good for my health or for my relations, but M is forcing me to keep it in. Fuck it, I will say it as it is; He is a prick and he doesn't love me, because if he did he would support me through every feeling. He would hug me when I cry, not turn around and yell at me.

Fuck you, man. Honestly.

I try to make it about my body, inside my head I think; This would not be happening if I was still a size 36. But it would. But f-cking Gabby won't shut the fuck up in my head about it, she's going on and on; You're a size 42, disgusting POS. Four sizes bigger than pre-baby. You can't get your 29'ers over your fat ass and have to wear 32'ers. You can't see your collarbones, your ribs are covered with fat, you're eating up money you could spend on your child! Gabby, just shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! I hate when I let It get into my head. I let It, I'm over It, why do I surrender the power to It?

This was one of my best days. Surrounded by friends. And Gabby says "and you weren't fat!"

Fuck Gabby, fuck M, fuck every person that wants to make me feel like I used to. You are all going to suffer, I assure you. Karma is the mother of bitches and bites you back like a crazed Rottie. I'll sit back and wait, you'll get yours....

/Lixi

Paused for six days...

I haven't been to the gym, i'm miserable, I just wanna fucking kick someone. UGH! Guess who's starting fights daily?

I'm sorry

I might be really bad with the blogging for a while, at least here. They are mindfucking me, someone throw me a mindcondom. Who can I trust? No one. Who do I trust? 

?             -

Despite the picture, i'm on a four month dryspell. There is cobweb in my pinhole.

/Lilita

I'm CRAP at updating here!

DAMN IT! Yesterday was a bad day, so that's why, but I need to write a post here everytime I write on the other blog too. Darn it!  Anyways, birthday bash for one of B's friends today! It's gonna be a lot of fun! I met the girl once, she is crazy, I like her friends, they are a good time! :)

No gym yesterday, my knees were dead, haha! But tomorrow again :) Tonight, PARTY! And after the baby goes to bed for the night I could have a small drink at least :) I don't want to be intoxicated around her, I do enjoy a small sip of whiskey now and then, but I want her to be with someone who can control themself, so if I would like to have a crazy night, I'd make sure she was babysat by someone who was sober that I could trust.

Little Lilita, 17 years old.

We were to a park yesterday, me, baby, B, E, P and her friends. LMFAO, B, E and P. I'm so sleepy. Anyways, it was a lot of fun! I like just going out and talking to new people, I'm so sick of all the problems somebody in my life is causing!. But forget that, today is gonna be a fun day! No drama.

So for now, I want to leave you with a poll;

Which skincolor suits me better?

Pale, no tan

Some color

Dark tanned

Burned meatball

Yes, it's me. All of them.

XOXO /Lilita

Just got back!

Stopped at 80 minutes, still great! I feel really refreshed! I had to eat when I came home, I was -311 kcals after the workout, smh. Still got to plow through 900 kcals more! Dayumn!

Out with a friend in STHLM city

XOXO /Lilita

Lack of update!

Shit, i've been crap at updating here. More people read my Swedish blog, so I update more there. Anyways; shortly put;

Someone stole 500 SEK right out of my pocket when I was going to buy diapers with the baby, it was horrible. But thankfully my dad is gonna put 500 SEK in my account.

I went from 87,6 to 85,2 in one day, SICK! Loved it!

And.......

I finally broke my cardio record, I did 90 minutes yesterday, I aim to do the same today! Going to the gym as soon as B and E are finished eating and chilling! So blogging and listening to some music while I wait!

2011, November

Excited to get to the gym and work HARD! I'll try to remember to update after I finish!

XOXO /Lilita

New day, new outfit

I had a pretty good day! This morning was horrible, from where I stopped writing last nights post on my swedish blog until 7 AM the baby was awake, screaming and just in generally were in a horrific mood, at around 4 AM I managed to get her to sleep for about 10 minutes, then she was awake until 7 AM. So very little sleep tonight, it was awful. I had to get ready for a meeting from 12 AM to 3 PM, I was just soooooo tired. But, I tried to dress up to puff myself up!

Top/dress from modehus.nu, jeans from h&m, necklace and earrings from ur&penn

It was chill for the day, I wore a cream white fake leather west over when I went out. It wasn't so cold to begin with, but it was raining when I left the meeting :( I'll do a gym update later when I know the plan for tonight!

/Lix

Vegetarianism

This is a subject warm to my heart. I was vegetarian for years, actually. I first stopped eating meat at 14 years old because my heart couldn't take knowing the food on my plate demanded an animal, a breathing, living thing had to be put down in order for me to eat. I only started to eat meat again at the age of 22, at 21 I started to eat fish and then later, on very, very rare occasions eat chicken. The reason for me to start eating meat was my health, really. I broke a toe that just would not heal and I was running on it for almost a year before doctors asked me to at least try to eat one portion of meat a week until it healed. And it did, it was all good, but I had a terrible time trying to eat meat after all these years without it. I felt like a dirty person, I felt disgusted by myself and I felt like curling up in fetal position during that first meal.

I got over it eventually, the plan was to become a vegetarian again after my toe healed, but I just found a new love of food, a love of food I lost years ago to my anorexia, so for the benefit of keeping ana at bay, I put veggie-me on ice until I could sort myself out. The problem for me is that vegetarianism is in two ways connected to me the anorexic, on one hand it's in a subconscious state to where eating meat used to drive me to tears, even just seeing it would make me shake. On the other hand, it was a very good excuse to not eat, "I can't, i'm a vegetarian". Please don't think I don't love animals, I do. Even when I pick out what kind of meat to eat these days, I'm very picky, I don't eat halal meat because I want the animal to be unconscious and numb or preferably killed before the bloodvessles are being opened up. Same with kosher (although that is not as widely spread because of the three day rule), I only eat swedish chicken and meat, or meat from countries where I know the rules around animalslaughter are as hard as possible about the animal not suffering. I still do not eat meat every day, I can go many days without eating meat still, but I do enjoy a homemade Bolognese here and there.

During a difficult time

I'm still at war with myself often, both with ana and the veggie me, sometimes they collectively turn against me, ana to make me stop eating and veggie me to eat vegetarian when we're serving a meat dish at home. Anas voice is getting weaker and I try to listen to what I want, instead of falling back into what I was. They are both telling me I was skinnier and happier back then, but I wasn't happier. Every day was an internal war with me losing a piece of myself every day. I know I will always want to weigh 99 lbs, but I know it's unrealistic for a healthy 5'6 23 year old to weigh that little unless I were to have an abnormally small frame. If I could weigh 110-120 lbs, I'd be extatic. That seems a lot more reasonable than 99 lbs, especially 120 lbs. If I can find a lifestyle where I can drop all my weight worries and just eat normal, work out as a treat for my body and completely block out ana of my everyday life, I achieved something big.

The healthiest I've been

So here's a toast (of water) to achieving my goal; be happy and content. I'm 23 years old, I've been blessed with a beautiful child and I still have (hopefully) 60 more years of trying to achieve even more. Time to stop being silly about food and focus on something more important; Catpocalyps. It's gonna happen!
Soon.....

/Lilita Luv

P.S, if you know swedish, visit my swedish blog here!

Got my dresses today!

My god, I got to calm down on the shopping ASAP, hahaha!

Purple

Zebra

I got these from modehus.nu and they got a whole bunch of great things on there! These dresses are categorized under "tunikor", and it's great, the sleeveless zebra one goes perfect with a pair of dark washed jeans and a blazer on family occations, then just take off the jeans for the night out :) I like to, actually, wear men's boxers under dresses like these, because I've met too many creeps that try to film under your skirt or even lift your skirt (!!)
F***ing pigs. Anyways, I rule it the safer way to not expose my kooka on some creeps phone.

/Lilita Luv

Wedding invitations and weight!

Hey! I'm enjoying my roses and talking to the baby! :) She just learned how to say "ga ga ga ga", so cute! She is so proud! :)

   

 Roses!

I'm still a bit irritated about the dinner thing, it's not okay to do that if you're in a relationship. 

I got the wedding invitation for a wedding i've been waiting for yesterday, so great! <3>

Now, I'm waiting to see if I get my dresses from modehus.nu today, later I might hit the gym! I gained 1 kg, I know it's all fluid, but still :( 

/Lillita Luv

Mother's day

I wish I could say my first mother's day was great. But... The only thing I wanted was Us to eat dinner together. He came home with pink roses for me, then He asked if I wanted to eat sushi, but I said I didn't want to go outside because it was pouring, and I kind of wanted Him to eat with me and I know He hates sushi. My only wish was to cook dinner for the two of Us, but He said He was full and so I believed it. Less than an hour later, he cooks for HIMSELF, and eats HIMSELF. I'd take that dinner together over those roses because you can spend money, but not time. That's not love. Fuck you. You're probably fucking that ugly serbian horseface.

Morphine

As I wrote yesterday, I went to the ER. When I came, they gave me a Citodon which is like a mix between an aspirin and morphine. Groggy as fuck all day yesterday. I've been bleeding since I got my Mirena put in, which is normal, but it hurts like labour contractions after a whole month which is NOT normal, so they did an ultrasound - the Mirena was placed too low in my uterus. So, tomorrow, I have to call the gyn and ask them to remove and replace the Mirena the next time I get my period. I'm gonna quote Karin Dreijer in The Knife song "Got 2 Let U": FUCK!

New header

It's crap, but I'm not in the mood to give a shit. Mothers day started out fantastic, but one single word just ruined it. "Nahhhh" /Lilita

I'm back!

Time to start this again on a HAPPY note :D if you read through my blog, you'll see the misery I've been through. But don't despair, my dear! This blog is gonna be transformed from a hell pit into a fountain of happiness. I grew up, kicked out the bad people out of my life, welcomed new, gave birth to a beautiful babygirl and came to a few conclusions about life. On my was home from the ER now! Write ya later! XOXO /Lix