I wish I could bring you better news...

But not, it's fuckery again. Just had a minor freakout that included panic anxiety and other delicious fuckery. I wonder how Dandyroo is holding up, I miss him. He's such an amazing person as a friend and I don't want him to hurt too. It's a constant itch in my skin right now, so i'm just going to post the fantastic video that makes me feel shittier.










New once!







/Lilita Luv

My face is ruined

I can't do the "natural" thing because I look fucking disgusting in it. People are born with pretty faces sometimes, but I wasn't and it's not like could afford to change that. I wish I could just put on a mask so nobody could see me, ot always have a paperbag pulled over my head but one thing is certain and that is I don't want people to be able to look at me. I don't want anybody else to see me. Not even him, especially not him, not until some miracle cures my face it's just all wrong and it needs to be undone because I can't pretend to like myself forever. I tried the natural makeup and I looked like shit, it looked fucking awful. Disgusting.

Let me be her, please <3

I can't stand this shit anymore. I don't want to live in this shit for much longer because if I do, i'll disappear totally. Parts of me already fell out, I am going back to being constantly tired, I slept for 11 hours today which is a bad sign already. It's not 15 hours, but it's still bad. I used to sleep 15 hours, that was nice. And I didn't eat either. So my belly was always empty and I was always tired so I could sleep, to Christmas i'll be back there again unless a miracle comes along.


"And then along comes Mary...."

Just a thought... Well, since I can't be hot and being "cute" is fucking disgusting, this person X which I can call "Mary" comes along and takes my person away from me. This person X can be anyone, someone here, someone there, someone 300 miles away from here. Well, at least he'll be happy and that's what really matters, right?

Lix wants to be this <3

/ Lilita Luv

I ate normally today

I had;

1 banana
a glass of milk
a portion of sesam nuggets with creme frache and garlic
a glass of juice

so I did pretty good, I better go to the store and get more fruit, i'm going to work out today!! =)

And on the bad side, I checked up jobs online without any luck which means I have to go to places personally and ask which I hate, i'm just too shy to do that - not anti-social, I love being social to an extent and I could totally handle working with people, but i'm shy when it comes to ask people about things like this, it's embaressing. All jobs online are searching for already experienced people, so I looked up courses on Uni, but I can't do any thanks to my stupid fail in the B course math, FUCK! I actually asked if I could do it in the fall (now) and the teacher said "yes" and so I expected I could, then in the end of the semester she tells me she can't! Fucking world. So I can't study anything I want to either.

/ Lilita Luv

So disgusted

I managed to eat a little today tho, next banana will be my third, I just can't let it go. What does it say about me when a video of a chick dancing is more pleasurable than I am in living flesh? So I watch the video again, I'm glad I haven't vomit in weeks, I don't want to either, your skin gets dry and discolored, you smell of vomit and it does not bring anything good with it. I was up last night without being able to sleep, so I watched Stripped: Live in the UK for the first time in more than a year and I finally remember why, simply because I'm nothing. My "favourite" performances are following;



Dirrty


Get Mine, Get Yours


And why? Because they are the once I can absorb the most out of and therefor not feel guilty cutting to.


I still love this video, I don't even understand how I can love something that fucks me up.



And the other question will be, how can this one person on a video fuck me up? I never met her or spoke to her, well, I guess it's the same thing like how can a guy jizz all over his computer screen when this video shows up.


Anyways, what's going to be done today? Not much I assume, I don't think i'll eat any what mum would call "real food" today, I need to lose weight anyway. I can't be tiny and have what others do have, so i'd rather be a walking skeleton.

btw, hate of the day; meat. In both ways. Guys talk about liking their girls to have some "meat", for fuck sake, we're not cows, don't talk to us like we're on the way to the slaughterhouse. "Meat". Jeez, get a grip. And not all chicks look good with any fat weight, it's all bone structure, mine tell me I need to lose it because it's all in the wrong places, your lower abdomen shouldn't be fat. And it's fucking sick, I don't know why I didn't just kill myself when I had the opportunity, I'd have been much better off. And meat in the regular way, ugh. Vegitarians rule! I love my veggie food and I can't even think about meat without feeling like vometing.
Jessica Simpson wore a tee that said "Real Girls Eat Meat", shut up, fat bitch, you know how unhealthy it is for you? You're not even skinny, so let's not go there.

My old me is DEAD, gone. Lix is returning sometimes, but most is gone. Now i'm more like... Gabby, the bitch. She doesn't like anything. Exept the Mr. Lix loves the Mr. only too, but she's nice. Gabby is mean. I don't like Gabby. She needs to be killed and the old me return. I love Lix tho, she can still be with me, she's nice. She's loving. She puts everybody else in front of her. That's Lix. I love her. More than me.

/Lilita Luv

Please let me know i'm not alone

I'm addicted to do this to myself, push these images into my head of the perfect girl




This is my poison right now. She's sexy, bold and in control of herself. I'm fat with a tiny ass with bones sticking out, no boobs, terrible nose and gross facial features, not to mention the disgusting double chin. I love the fake boobs, the skinny figure and the dirty style and I have non of it. I can't be like that, I want to so badly, but I can't. It's like a glass wall with a door that's locked between me and the beautiful people, I can only look but it's not tangible to me, I can't go through a process and end up being one of them. I can be me though, but since when was that enough?


/Lillita Luv

Self-hatred video

I made this a few days ago





I feel confused in a way, like it would be a good thing. I'm in some kind of state where I can't judge if it's bad or good, i'm quiet but not as lazy as I usually am. I did lots today, first I got new birthcontrol pills, they are pretty and blue. And the seven once without hormones are green. I'm gonna try them for a while and see if Nevoletta was the reason I had the extreme temp changes, then I bought more makeup and then I met up with my friend and I had a salad with shrimp, then we bought new pretty toothbrushes and then I had festis and a chocolate ball with her and then I went home again.


Today I ate;
A banana
A few ovenfried fries (homemade) with garlicdip
Green salad with shrimp, red onion, cucumber, garlicdressing and seafood cream
An orange juice with that
One 25 cl orange Festis and a chocolate ball (it was yummy, but my stomach hates when I eat sugar and fat, it really does, so my stomach hurts now)
A bun

This far, and it's 17:30, so it's only ½ hour till food-stop. It hasn't worked out for a few days, so I need to smack myself and get into it again.


//Lillita Luv