Missed working out today

Had to finish an assignment =( =(

Sooo sad about that, but whatever... I'm gonna go to bed now in a minute, I just wanted to wright because I feel so bad and I need to vent it out now.

The issue at the moment:

I feel so fucking insecure, it's the fucking comparison thing again, how can I hold up against all these chicks, he can tell me the same thing over and over again but it doesn't sink in. I know why tho, the same thing lingers in my head, the same sentence. "Love isn't about personality. It's a mixture of looks and personality. I couldn't love someone that I didn't find attractive". Well, i'm not the hottest one around, there are girls around him, millions times hotter and I can't even take hearing him talk about another female. Of course he has a passed, I'm not mad at him for having that, i'm mad at him for keeping signs of it and for pretending like nothing just to keep in close touch with a specific person in question. I don't want to do that anymore. I wanna take off my uniform and leave this show I put on. And it brings so many questions, is he feeling something for that girl and if not, why keeping that thing? It wasn't like I was looking for anything, I put the virus search on and I downloaded an audio I wanted to listen to, but I saved it in the wrong folder, so I clicked open that folder to move it and the file name said it all, I didn't eat that day and when I did, I vomit. I couldn't stand to have anything in my stomach after knowing that, I know her, I like her, so does he... And all those times he talked about her, what the fuck was that? Close friends, yea, right.... How many of them did he do the same thing with? I look around and I'm scared, as soon as another female is there I'm positive he had something to do with her and it makes me sick over and over again. Maybe that's why I can't eat anymore.

Fucking damn hell ass.

Why can't I be you, homegurl?

These are the times I wish I actually did the drugs, I haven't felt like doing cocaine since last christmas, and to be honest it isn't his fault, it's mine, I shouldn't have touched the computer even though I was allowed to, I should have isolated myself because I know I can't handle anything with that. I have no problem with ex gfs, but I don't want to witness anything of what they used to do and she wasn't an ex or anything. Damn hell ass. My fault. It is. I spent last night crying myself to sleep, not only because of that, but I miss granny. It's fucking hard to imagine, she's not alive, her remains are in a cold grave deep in the ground. I'm never going to talk to her again, she isn't going to sit in the chair this year, being thankful for all the gifts saying "I'm so thankful for this year, I don't think I'll be here next year.". She's really gone forever and she isn't coming back, she was so small and fragile. I never want anybody else to die, I want to live forever with everybody in my life.

I'd love to look like you <3

I'm not welcome in dad's house anymore, apparently. I was supposed to hang out at his house a little while after but was told to "Clear out before his wife gets home". So, she doesn't like me? I got news for this bitch, I lived in that house a LOT longer than she did. Just because she's committed to him on a paper, that doesn't make her more important than me, I'm his daughter, I'm actually related to him. I can understand why he don't want me to be alone with her, he wants to be able to back up if she gets psycho. She needs to get help and realize I should be welcome there anytime. I take care of myself.


Lots of issues, peace out, my lovelies <3
/Lilita Luv